Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Swoosh for Surrender?

January 13, 2015

Maybe it was the white uniforms? ‪#‎Itsnoteasynotbeinggreen‬?

Ohio State beat Oregon handily, despite a steady stream of turnovers.  Good thing the National championship trophy has been changed from crystal to metal, in case the Buckeyes drop it.

Okay, the question of the night. How did Ohio State lose, to Virginia Tech, by 14, at home? (35-21)

 

At least Children in Africa should be getting some really colorful “‪#‎Oregon‬ National Championship” shirts later this week.

Lots of experts opining pre-game on whether Oregon or Ohio State would win the national championship tonight. Of course, most of these experts predicted the game would be between Florida State and Alabama.

 

Who’d a thunk it? The happiest and most productive recent Heisman winner in this postseason might well be Tim Tebow. ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬

Wonder if suspended ‪#‎OregonDucks‬ players might be planning a party to console teammates when they get home? ‪#‎brownies‬? ‪#‎CFBChampionship‬

Once again, a big game ended after midnight on the East Coast. No complaints out in California, but pretty clear ESPN and NCAA don’t really give a damn about anyone who has work or school tomorrow

Yesterday was the 14th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” day in New York City. And presumably today is the 14th annual “Celebrate Handi Wipes” day.

Sad news from Texas. Two people who entered a pen containing two female camels and a male camel in rut were trampled to death this weekend by the male camel. Rut ro.

 

A Disney Cruise ship rescued a Royal Caribbean passenger who fell overboard off the coast of Mexico. Of course, after hearing “Let it Go” for the 100th time, the man probably had to be restrained by Disney crew from jumping back over the rails.

Ted Cruz is the latest to jump on the “We needed to show more solidarity with France by being at the rally” bandwagon, and he wrote an op-ed about it for Time. Feel that strongly about it, Senator? Post some of those Charlie Hebdo cartoons on your website.

Bills owner Terry Pegula said that new coach Rex Ryan is “the best fit for our team,” Cue the Cinderella shoe/foot jokes….

Gavin Newsom says he won’t run for Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat in 2016. Translation, he’s running for Governor in 2018.

A woman from Seneca Falls, New York was arrested last November for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .26. And apparently she had been drinking… vanilla extract. Which is .41% alcohol. And millions of teenagers are thinking “you can do that?”

Okay, we’re all about free speech these days, even when we think it’s obnoxious. Well, kinda sorta. Apparently Margaret Cho’s North Korean general portrayal on the Golden Globes has already generated outrage. (And she is Korean-American). Personally, I thought it was funny. But we can not “suis Charlie” if we can’t also at times “suis” un-PC..

Gorgeous George

January 12, 2015

Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.

 

With ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and ‪#‎voulezvouscouchezavecmoi‬.

Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game.  Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey.

 

Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.

 

And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder.

So now that the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.

Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.

 

A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?

Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.

 

The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?

Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.

All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?

 

FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.

My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”

 

 

Most of these women on the ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. ‪#‎Plasticisntsexy‬

Excuses, excuses.

January 9, 2015

The president of a U.S. group known as the Catholic league, Bill Donohue, yesterday issued a statement titled “Muslims are right to be angry.” Saying that Charlie Hedbo had “provoked” terrorists, and had their editor “not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”

Of course, Donohue may feel that he has the moral high ground, because Catholics have never murdered anyone they felt didn’t respect their religion. ‪#‎nobodyexpectsthespanishinquisition‬

 

 

Just thinking, it’s a good thing females in general have a sense of humor, and are not likely to turn into crazy, vengeful mass murderers. Because the depiction of women at times in the media would have resulted in a whole lot more dead men.

Donald Trump took to Twitter after the Charlie Hedbo massacre to say “If the people shot down in Paris had guns at least they would have had a fighting chance” and the old “when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Right, because in the US with our liberal gun laws we never have mass shootings….

Senator Barbara Boxer says she will retire and not seek re-election in 2016. That stampeding sound you’re about to hear is about 100 politicians in California rushing to congratulate Boxer on her service, at the same time saying why they should have her seat.

Curt Schilling, who was not elected to the Hall of Fame this year, suggested that it might be because “I know that as a Republican that there’s some people that really don’t like that.” Has someone given this man a post-career test for concussions?

Just because the season is over, doesn’t mean the fun has stopped for Chicago Bears fans: CB Jennings was arrested for DUI and speeding (99 in a 65 zone) yesterday. At 12noon. On his way to a parent-teacher conference. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch lost his appeal for his $100,000 fine for not speaking to the media. Wonder how much the NFL will fine Lynch for responding “no comment” to the decision.

J.C.Penney announced they will close 40 stores. J.C.Penney still has stores?

 

Former FBI Director Robert Mueller released a report saying there was ” no evidence that anyone at the NFL saw the Ray Rice elevator video before it was made public. So wonder whose luxury box Mueller will be in for the next several Super Bowls?

Boston beat out San Francisco as the U.S representative amongst bids to host the 2024 Olympic Games. So they have the Olympic bid and Pablo Sandoval. Wonder which one will give Boston buyer’s remorse first?

 

Three days after appearing together live on the premiere of this season’s “The Bachelor,”, last season’s “Bachelorette” Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray announced they have ended their engagement. Go$h, what rea$on$ would they have had for $taying together until the fir$t epi$ode?

 

Bus, or rather, truck to hell from Alex Kaseberg:  “In Michigan, a family of four rear-ended a truck and then their mini-van was dragged by the truck for 16 miles by the oblivious truck driver. On the bright side, their gas mileage for that trip was outstanding.”

Je suis Charlie

January 7, 2015

Such horrible news out of France with Charlie Hebdo. And over cartoons? I don’t care what religion you are, I’ll take the bus to hell any day over people who believe in a God with no sense of humor.

This picture from a gathering in France in support of Charlie Hebdo  – guess it’s time to give the French surrender jokes a rest for a while:

 

jesuischarliew

And back on the bus to hell.

 

A TLC new show titled “My Husband’s Not Gay” will focus on four men who admit to being attracted to men, but are married to women. Wonder if the show will be narrated by Michele Bachmann?

#‎JameisWinston‬ will apparently declare for the NFL draft. With luck he’ll be drafted by the NY Jets. ‪#‎Iloveagoodcircus‬

 

The ‪#‎NYKnicks‬ have lost their 13th game in a row and are 5-33. Rather shocking. How did they ever win 5 games?

 

The Detroit Pistons have won seven games in a row since they released Josh Smith, who was in year 2 of a 4 year, $54 million contract.   Wonder how many more games the Philadelphia 76ers could win if they released the entire team?

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#‎StLouis‬ leaders say the ‪#‎Rams‬ officials are not returning their calls. I think this is now ‪#‎NFL‬ version of “He’s just not that into you.”

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Jerry Jones, on why he had Chris Christie in his box “Whenever I can get around important or exciting people, I want to do it…I’ve got a nice little list of sitting with some pretty big winners at some of these key games.. I knew Nelson Mandela, I got to sit with him, and took him to the dressing room, and you can imagine how the players went crazy and coaches, just to meet Nelson Mandela.”

Yeah, when I think of people to compare to Nelson Mandela, Chris Christie comes right to mind.

Justin Bieber is the new “face” of Calvin Klein. Well, that ought to help the brand with Bieber’s adult fans, both of them..

Ah, here we go. Potential liberal on liberal violence ahead. Or at least a war of words. A judge today struck down California’s foie gras ban.

 

A least nine cases of measles have been reported with children visiting Disneyland and California Adventure over the holidays. Wonder how many of the idiots who didn’t vaccinate their kids were screaming last year that the U.S. should have done more to protect them from Ebola.

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Father of the year award: Police were called to a party near San Diego, where they found about 200 teenagers drinking alcohol, and girls dressed in Playboy bunny outfits. It was a birthday party for an 18 year old girl. hosted by her dad.

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The fun is starting early in the House. After saying months ago he would not retaliate against dissenters, John Boehner kicked two Republicans who voted against him for Speaker off the House Rules Committee. One said it was “something I would assume Vladimir Putin would do.”

And somewhere, President Obama is giggling.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “Responding to his critics, Chris Christie said that he has always been a Cowboys fan and that he did not just jump on the bandwagon. “Thank god,” said the bandwagon.”

The 2.7% factor?

January 6, 2015

Okay, Randy Johnson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame after earning votes of 97.3% of the writers. The real news of the day:. Who are the idiots who didn’t think the Big Unit was good enough?

 

Not that I am equating the two, so hold the hater comments. But the people who insist there were no PED users in MLB before Bonds and company are about as realistic as those who insist there are no gay men in MLB, or the NFL or NBA…..

Great, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants Chris Christie at Lambeau Field for the Dallas-Green Bay game Sunday, saying “He’s part of our mojo. I want him there all the way. I’ll tell you, if he’s got enough mojo to pull this thing out, he ought to be looked at as President of the United States.”

Uh, my cat might have proven her voodoo powers with the SFGiants World Series win in 2014, but that doesn’t mean she should be President.

Clearly I am not a coffee snob. I hear all the talk about “flat whites” and think it’s the Carnac answer to “What happens when Chris Christie jumps on people in the Cowboys’ luxury box?”

 

Bus to hell time, again. So former SF Giants All-Star Stu Miller died just as they are about to implode Candlestick Park. Talk about the potential for scattered ashes.

Novelist and screenwriter Nicholas Sparks and his wife are ending their marriage of 25 years.. So assume he will turn the divorce into a soppy story and movie to pay alimony?

Adam Vinatieri, 42, was randomly drug-tested after Sunday’s game, when he made a 53 yard field goal. Fortunately the Colts kicker no doubt travels with the list of approved drugs he gets through Medicare.

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for his 11 convictions on public corruption charges. So sounds like he’ll be out in plenty of time to run for mayor of D.C. or any office in Louisiana.

The GOP-led House voted to keep John Boehner as speaker, despite challenges from Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas and Ted Yoho of Florida. ‪#‎wearecrazybutnotthatcrazy‬

 

O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy, which was stolen in a 1994 USC burglary, has just been recovered. O.J. has immediately petitioned for parole so he can hunt for the real burglars.

From Bill Littlejohn,  “The upcoming NCAA football championship will feature Pac-12’s Oregon vs. Big Ten’s Ohio State in a (former) Rose Bowl matchup. Shouldn’t they move it to Pasadena, Texas?”

Passing through

January 6, 2015

TMZ reports that Johnny Manziel flipped off hecklers at a Houston club this weekend, and they responded by throwing drinks at him. Then the Cleveland rookie QB presumably tried to throw a drink back… but it was intercepted.

Both the Buckeyes and Ducks are wearing new uniforms for the Championship game next Monday, thanks to Nike. The company is paying Oregon $600,000 in cash and $2.2 million equipment allowance this year. And they are giving Ohio State $1.5 million in cash and $2.5 million in equipment. But heaven forbid a booster buy one of the players dinner.

New Orleans LB linebacker Junior Galette has been arrested on a domestic violence charge. Few details yet, but expect Galette will plead not guilty. After all he’s a Saints defender, they don’t hit anybody.

A unnamed member of the Ferguson grand jury that didn’t indict police officer Darrell Wilson for shooting Michael Brown has filed a lawsuit to remove a lifetime gag order about the case. Translation, someone wants a book deal.

Olivia Newton-John and Grease co-star Didi Conn (Frenchie) reunited for a performance in Las Vegas this week. Only now they were both singing “You might be the One That I Want, if I could remember.”

 

Apparently after Kanye West and Paul McCartney collaborated on a single, some of West’s fans tweeted “Who is Paul McCartney?” Won’t be too many years before music fans will ask “Who is Kanye West?”

Former Giants’ pitcher Stu Miller has died at the age of 87. There will be no pallbearers at his funeral, instead, his casket will just be placed on a mound and blown into the grave.

People will be talking about that pass interference reversal for decades, especially if the Cowboys go further in the playoffs. But whether it was the right call or not, does anyone think there was a snowball’s chance in hell a flag would have been picked up if it were on a Lions defender during Dallas’s last drive?

 
My friend Trevor commented, “Odd, Lions usually have no problem with the Zebras…”
 

Detroit Lions coach Jim Caldwell said the pass interference penalty that was taken away was “hard to swallow.” Agree with him, but also hard to swallow when you choke with a 4th and 1 AND a 10 yard punt.

Chris Christie was shown celebrating yesterday in Jerry Jones’ box. But he missed on a high five with Jones. Either that or the Dallas Cowboys’ owner was just trying to stay out of the way of a offensive lineman sized hit.

Oil has fallen below $50 a barrel. So no doubt the airlines will be lowering fuel surcharges that in some cases are more than the cost of the fare itself. At the same time they start putting pigs on board every flight.

 

Got to give ‪#‎TheBachelor‬ credit. One episode is enough to make many people question why they ever wanted to defend heterosexual marriage.

Jeb Bush said yesterday that gay marriage should be “a state decision.” Right, like driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants, abortion and legalized marijuana

 

Two police officers were shot tonight in the Bronx. But fortunately reports are neither sustained life-threatening injuries. Also fortunately, reports are neither of the suspects is black.

Going blue

December 29, 2014

Many SF 49ers fans were disappointed with this season, and now they won’t have Jim Harbaugh to kick around anymore. So soon the team can go back to the halcyon days of Mike Singletary and Mike Nolan.

Statement from the SF 49ers: “Jim and I have come to the conclusion that it is in our mutual best interest to move in different directions.” Well, it sounds better than “conscious uncoupling.”

There will be a lot of changes for Jim Harbaugh as he returns to the coaching ranks. For starters, at Michigan he’s going to have to figure out something warmer  (and blue-er) than his regular long-sleeved black shirt.

More than 100 people gathered in Times Square today for the eighth annual Good Riddance Day. Where attendees used a shredder and mallet to get rid of bad memories. Wonder how many showed up with NY Giants and Jets stuff?

Apparently a contributing factor, if not the reason, for Josh Gordon’s suspension, was a party Johnny Manziel threw Friday night. (Gordon was then AWOL for the team’s Saturday walk-through.) Who says Johnny Football isn’t a leader already?

 

Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslam said some of the Browns’ young players have “disrespected” the team. “We’re going to work with them — hopefully they grow up. But if they can’t grow up and they can’t be responsible to the their teammates and the coaches and our great fans, then they won’t be with the Cleveland Browns.” So anyone want to take the first guess in the “Johnny Manziel trade date” pool?

This weekend police were called and arrests were made over fights in food courts at three separate malls, Arden Fair in Sacramento, Chicago Ridge Mall in Illinois and Opry Mills in Nashville. So what the heck are those food courts serving?

How up-to-date is Al-Qaeda? Their most recent magazine, released last week, called for individual jihadists to bomb Western carriers. Including United Airlines, American, Delta, and Continental.

 

Headline on Foxnews.com “Attention: Dish has blocked Fox News. Switch TV providers now. ” Hmm…. So how long until Dish starts using that headline as an ad on Msnbc.com and Huffington Post etc?

No real surprise at this point, Jeb Bush leads a new GOP presidential poll with 23%. Christie is second at 13% and Ben Carson has 7%. I think I speak for many Americans when I say about Carson – “Who?”

 

So the NFL is running their ad “Domestic violence and sexual assault are  tough for everyone to talk about” in game with Ben Rothlisberger leading Steelers into playoffs ‪#‎irony‬

From T.C.  “I just hacked into Sony Pictures computers and found a movie to be released on Monday. It’s about NFL coaching brothers Rex and Rob called “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.


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