Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Still sleepless after all these years.

February 16, 2015

SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.

 

Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.

 

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

 

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

 

It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.

#‎Bassomatic‬. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

Who knew ‪#‎MileyCyrus‬ could perform with all her clothes on? ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

 

Why oh why couldn’t ‪#‎SNL40‬ have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ tonight?

Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”

In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)

7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.

Tortured thoughts?

February 13, 2015

Reviews of “50 Shades of Grey” aren’t great. But in New York, anyone wanting to see some real torture can always buy Knicks tickets.

So the reason the Chicago Little League team had to forfeit their U.S. championship is that they had gerrymandered the borders of where players needed to live. Idiots. That’s no way to win in baseball. It, is, however, a good way to get elected to Congress.

Jimmy Buffett, 68, is touring again. Only now he doesn’t need margaritas to forget where he put that shaker of salt.

 

NBC now says they are investigating Brian Williams’ claims that he was a witness to the fall of the Berlin Wall and met Pope John Paul II in 1979. Not sure if Williams will ever get his anchor job back, but he may well be on the short list to star in a Forrest Gump remake.

Gatorade is bringing the 1991 “Be Like Mike” jingle for an ad during the NBA All-Star Game. Which will be great for long-time sports fans. Have to wonder if the younger generation’s response will be “Who’s Mike?”

 

An ESPN poll of 500 college coaches found almost 60% would like to change the men’s basketball shot clock changing from the current 35 seconds to 30 seconds. Well, makes sense, with all these one-and-dones, it’s tough to expect all these kids to be able to count that high.

The NYPD confirmed today that the driver of the livery cab who crashed and killed “60 Minutes” reporter Bob Simon had two traffic convictions and his license had been suspended at least 6 times. And some people are worried about UberX drivers?

 

 

From T.C.  “Tiger Woods is leaving the  PGA Tour until he gets his game back together. Johnny Manziel says, “you can do that?”

and T.C. and I with a combined joke:  “The Atlanta Falcons have pleaded guilty to pumping in fake crowd noise during their home games.  Wonder what this means for the NY Jets’ plans to pump in a fake laugh track?”

Well, this should dispel all rumors that Jeb Bush is too old and out of touch to run for president. He posted all his personal emails from when he was governor. Except that apparently some of those emails had the names, birthdates and Social Security numbers of about 12,000 people. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Rush Limbaugh has decided that Jon Stewart is leaving the “The Daily Show” is that the Democratic Party’s future is so grim and “Stewart has blamed everything gone wrong on the Republicans. After 16 years, what is there left for (him) to blame on the Republicans?”
Okay, it’s an opinion. But does this also mean that after 2016 Limbaugh is sure there won’t be another Republican in the White House to blame things on…?

Approaching our last moment of zen?

February 10, 2015

Say it ain’t so, Jon. Jon Stewart announced today that he is stepping down as host of The Daily Show. Has he decided that yes, indeed, these days there really is no satire?

And this after Stewart may have the best comment on this whole Brian Williams mess: “Finally, someone is being held to account for misleading America about the Iraq war.”

NBC suspended Brian Williams for 6 months, saying his lies had “jeopardized” the network’s credibility. Wait, NBC had credibility?

 

On a brighter note for NBC,  the NBC Nightly News had its largest total viewership in four weeks.  Maybe other networks will start trying to dig up dirt on their own anchors?

 

Richie Incognito has agreed to a deal with the Buffalo Bills. Wait, I thought Rex Ryan said “we’re going to build a bully,” not sign one.

ESPN reported that of Gregg Popovich’s 1,000 wins, 921 have been with Tim Duncan. To put that bromance in perspective, 921 is more wins than the Miami Heat have EVER in their history.  (805 as of today.)

 

As a result of a lawsuit filed against him by his daughter, a New Orleans judge ruled that Saints & Pelicans owner Tom Benson, 87, will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine mental competency. Now, clearly Benson is old. But if mental competency was required for an NFL or NBA owner, there would be a lot of vacant chairs at those owner’s meetings.

Security researcher Mark Burnett this week posted a database containing 10 million usernames and passwords. So were at least 9 million of them 123456789?

Alex Rodriguez, 39, reportedly told Barry Bonds “l want to take your (home run) record..” Not exactly sure he could get over 100 more home runs without a supplement made from flying pigs, but A-Rod might be one of the few active sluggers who could make Bonds look lovable by comparison.

 

Today in a meeting at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently apologized to the team for his PED suspension. So did he just read from a copy of the same apology speech he gave in 2009?  (“It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”)

 

Marilyn Hartman, 63, was arrested repeatedly at SFO for trying to sneak onto planes, and at LAX after flying from San Jose without a ticket. Now she’s been arrested in Florida after flying ticket-free from Minneapolis to Jacksonville, where she checked in under another guest’s name. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about TSA, doesn’t it.

 

Ethan Czahor, founder of “Hipster.com“, and the new chief technology officer for Jeb Bush’s PAC,  “resigned” tonight, after removing “inappropriate” tweets from his personal account.
Those tweets, dating from 2009-10, included a number of racist and homophobic jokes, along with others that referred to women as sluts. But maybe the real recent Bush let him go?   That Czahor, who is YOUNG enough to know better, didn’t know enough not to post this sort of stuff in the first place.

And for that matter, doesn’t Jeb have anyone on his staff who knows how to use Google on potential new hires?”

Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who calls herself the Senate’s first female “combat veteran”, is defending herself after it’s been pointed out she was a National Guard Company commander for 13 months. But her unit was never attacked nor in a firefight. Well cut her some slack, maybe Ernst’s real dream job isn’t in Washington, but in network news.

 

And that’s the way it is. Well, kinda, sorta….

February 7, 2015

Note to Brian Williams. Forrest Gump was a fantasy movie, not a mission statement.

 

Now that ‪#‎BrianWilliams‬ has stepped down most the trusted newscaster in America might well be ‪#‎JonStewart‬

 

A serious thought about Brian Williams, as Dr. Gregory House once said, “Everybody lies.” And most parents have a version of the “walking to school three miles in the snow, uphill both ways” story for their kids. But when your entire career is based on trustworthiness, thinking he should have stepped down maybe less for the lie, than his stupidity in thinking that he was always going to get away with it.

Bruce Jenner was involved in a multi-vehicle accident in Southern California. And of course it would be inappropriate for anyone to make women driver jokes.

Browns QB Brian Hoyer said today that the NFL’s investigation of text-messages from the Cleveland front office could affect his thinking if he becomes a free agent. Well, or at least it sounds classier than saying “I don’t want to work for any team that thought it was a good idea to draft Johnny Train Wreck.”

A GOP congressman from Maine is being criticized by many conservatives for his vote this week against a proposal to repeal Obamacare. But Bruce Poliquin says that while he is against the ACA, he thinks a replacement plan should be ready first, and besides, the House has already voted against it many times. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Is this guy trying to be drummed out of the Republican party for excessive common sense?

Chevrolet has decided that per Tom Brady’s wishes, they will give the truck he won as Super Bowl MVP directly to Malcolm Butler instead. The only thing, instead of Brady, the rookie will now have to pay the income taxes on the $35,000 the company says the Chevy Colorado is worth. You’d think they would have at least tried to underinflate the truck’s value.

San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone wants to put morals clauses in Catholic school teacher contracts, whereby they could be punished or dismissed for (his quote) “escorting a woman into an abortion clinic, handing out contraception to students, or for being a member of a white supremacist group.” Right, because whatever your beliefs, those three things are SO equivalent.

But hey, pedophilia?  Crickets.  Everything that is not forbidden…

A Florida woman just gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. FSU immediately offered the child a football scholarship.

 

Increasingly the ‪#‎Knicks‬ at Madison Square Garden are less a road game for most ‪#‎NBA‬ teams than an expense paid vacation to New York

 

New commissioner Rob Manfred says MLB will start awarding the All-Star games by a Super Bowl-type bidding process. And the Yankees and Dodgers are thinking, “Great, can we just doing the World Series the same way?”

That’s my story, and I’m trying not to stick to it.

February 4, 2015

Wow. NBC News anchor Brian Williams admitted today that his 2003 story of being shot down in a military helicopter down by enemy fire in Iraq was false, but “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another… I feel terrible about making this mistake.” “Conflate one aircraft with another?” I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Conrad Hilton Jr, 20, appeared in court and was ordered to surrender his passport during a court appearance over a meltdown on a flight from London to LA last year which including him calling flight attendants ‘f***ing peasants.” Who knew that big sister Paris would turn out to be the class of that family.’

So on the highways in the greater Seattle area, will all “No passing lanes” be renamed in honor of Pete Carroll?”

So the Super Bowl was only a few days ago, and already we’ve had 3 current NFL players arrested. Letroy Guion, D’Qwell Jackson, and Joseph Randle. Looking good for all those who bet the “over” in Vegas.

Indanapolis Colts LB D’Qwell Jackson has been arrested and charged with assault for hitting a pizza deliveryman over an argument about a parking space. Isn’t it time for the NFL to welcome their new sponsor, Uber?

In the “cheer up, things could be worse” airline division, I give you China’s Spring Airlines, which is trying to get approval for selling  discount tickets to passengers willing to stand. No joke.

Yasiel Puig just said that the Los Angeles Dodgers real rivals are not the SF Giants, but the St. Louis Cardinals. That ought to make Puig even more popular when the Dodgers visit AT&T Park in April.

From Alex Kaseberg.  “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighborhood rat infestation. The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.”

Because of a case involving an HIV-positive man who didn’t disclose his condition to his partner, the Florida Supreme Court will now consider the definition of “sexual intercourse.” Though presumably they turned down a request to testify on the subject from Bill Clinton.

 

Anthem, the second largest health insurer in the US, said today its database has been hacked, potentially exposing personal information about 80 million customers. Anthem said that the breach exposed “names, birthdays, social security numbers, street AND email addresses, plus employment information, including income data,” But no credit card information was exposed. Well, okay, as long as the hackers didn’t get anything important. ‪#‎facepalm‬

Are we awake and ready for some football?

January 29, 2015

Apparently there have been two middle of the night false alarms this week at the Patriots’ Super Bowl team hotel. Has anyone talked to the Seahawks’ ball boy?


The Hallmark Channel will broadcast Kitten Bowl II Sunday. They will use 92 kittens who they say they have trained for nine weeks? “Training kittens?”. Is that in preparation for herding them when they grow up?


A Florida woman was arrested and is being held without bond for allegedly beating her husband with a shoe, after she caught him in their bed with another woman. Well of course, it’s Florida. She should have simply shot him.

 

Police in Idaho say they got a 911 call from two men transporting 20 pounds of marijuana, who mistakenly thought undercover officers had discovered their stash. But the cops had no idea, until the men called, with their location. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Silver lining for New England on “deflate-gate.” Reports aren’t asking the Patriots about Aaron Hernandez and his murder trial.

Comcast eventually refunded two years of bills when consumer advocate Christopher Elliott interceded on behalf of a man who tried to cancel service and found on his next bill, his name was changed to ‘A**hole Brown.’

Got to wonder though, just what did the customer say to elicit that response?

Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been sentenced to 5 days in jail for driving 105 mph on the Capital Beltway. Some Washington fans are upset, some don’t care, and most just want Werth to tell them where they can get up to 105- mph on the Beltway.
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Best thing about this non-stop Super Bowl pre-game hype: knowing that when the game is over that it’s only about 2 weeks until pitchers and catchers report.
Whatever you think about Michelle Obama’s decision not to wear a head covering in Saudi Arabia, one thing seems pretty clear. If the First Lady had worn a black hijab, photos of her would be used in more than a few future GOP campaign ads in conservative areas.
 -
Meanwhile,  Sarah Palin, ranting on Fox because Bill O’Reilly dismissed her potential Presidential candidacy: “The people of America deserve the best and competition through a GOP primary, whether a Bill O’Reilly or somebody else assumes a reality show or not, they deserve that competition to surface the competitor who can take on Hillary or whomever it may be and win for this country.”

Well, I don’t know about what the American people deserve, but comedy writers are just hoping we are worthy.

Carol, carol, carol….

January 29, 2015

Florence Henderson, 81, who will forever be Carol Brady to many baby-boomers, gave an interview during which she talked about currently having a “friend with benefits.” And you think it was tough figuring out that YOUR parents actually had sex.

Facebook was down for an hour Monday light, and apparently 5 people called 911 about it. Really? Don’t these people understand that 911 is for serious issues. Like if your television goes down during the Super Bowl?

A fighter jet flew low over Berkeley today, scaring a lot of residents. Turns out it was a Navy pilot showing off for his brother who is a student at the university. Wonder if the pilot will claim he was pushed into the cockpit.

Good to see that, once again, NFL has its priorities in order. Apparently Marshawn Lynch may be fined anyway, not for his “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” respondes, but for wearing his “BeastMode” cap which was not a league approved brand.

Thinking for Marshawn Lynch and the NFL it would be much more efficient if the Seahawks running back just put money for his fines in a retainer account at the beginning of the season and the league notified him when to top it up.

 

Bill Clinton, joking about what he would want to be called if Hillary runs for President and wins – “I could be called Adam.” (First man.) I don’t know. What about “First Bubba?”

Headline hyperbole award of the day.- “Home heartbreak.” Talking about the Warriors’ loss in OT yesterday to the Bulls. Golden State had a 19 game winning streak snapped and is now 36-7. ‪#‎tragicreally‬

A now former Stanford University star swimmer was barred from campus after being charged with five felony counts. He was arrested after allegedly being found raping an intoxicated, unconscious woman on campus. What an idiotic a**hole. Since he’s a swimmer instead of a football player, no other school will give him a second chance.

You really can’t make this stuff up.  Now Michelle Obama has a new supporter. For today. This tweet “Kudos to @FLOTUS for standing up for women & refusing to wear Sharia-mandated head-scarf in Saudi Arabia. Nicely done.” From Ted Cruz.

Joel Grey, in a new People magazine interview that he didn’t like labels, but if you “have to use labels, I’m a gay man.” “I’m shocked,” said about two people.

 

Two steps forward, one step back. While Pope Francis is winning friends for the Catholic Church around the world, now we’ve got Father Joseph Illo, who took over a San Francisco church recently and is getting rid of girls as altar servers.. This because females cannot enter the priesthood, and “Boys usually end up losing interest because girls generally do a better job A boys-only program gives altar boys the space to develop their own leadership potential.” ‪#‎nottheonion‬

Bus to hell, or heaven, from Gary Bachman:   “A cat, presumed dead and buried, showed up in neighbor’s yard five days later. ‘I did it in three,’ boasted Jesus.”

 

 

Despite the fact that New England is still digging out from Juno, the storyline now is on how underwhelming the storm was in NJ/NY. So, yes, Boston, to the New York-centric media you are officially chopped liver.


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