Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

Approaching our last moment of zen?

February 10, 2015

Say it ain’t so, Jon. Jon Stewart announced today that he is stepping down as host of The Daily Show. Has he decided that yes, indeed, these days there really is no satire?

And this after Stewart may have the best comment on this whole Brian Williams mess: “Finally, someone is being held to account for misleading America about the Iraq war.”

NBC suspended Brian Williams for 6 months, saying his lies had “jeopardized” the network’s credibility. Wait, NBC had credibility?

 

On a brighter note for NBC,  the NBC Nightly News had its largest total viewership in four weeks.  Maybe other networks will start trying to dig up dirt on their own anchors?

 

Richie Incognito has agreed to a deal with the Buffalo Bills. Wait, I thought Rex Ryan said “we’re going to build a bully,” not sign one.

ESPN reported that of Gregg Popovich’s 1,000 wins, 921 have been with Tim Duncan. To put that bromance in perspective, 921 is more wins than the Miami Heat have EVER in their history.  (805 as of today.)

 

As a result of a lawsuit filed against him by his daughter, a New Orleans judge ruled that Saints & Pelicans owner Tom Benson, 87, will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine mental competency. Now, clearly Benson is old. But if mental competency was required for an NFL or NBA owner, there would be a lot of vacant chairs at those owner’s meetings.

Security researcher Mark Burnett this week posted a database containing 10 million usernames and passwords. So were at least 9 million of them 123456789?

Alex Rodriguez, 39, reportedly told Barry Bonds “l want to take your (home run) record..” Not exactly sure he could get over 100 more home runs without a supplement made from flying pigs, but A-Rod might be one of the few active sluggers who could make Bonds look lovable by comparison.

 

Today in a meeting at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently apologized to the team for his PED suspension. So did he just read from a copy of the same apology speech he gave in 2009?  (“It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”)

 

Marilyn Hartman, 63, was arrested repeatedly at SFO for trying to sneak onto planes, and at LAX after flying from San Jose without a ticket. Now she’s been arrested in Florida after flying ticket-free from Minneapolis to Jacksonville, where she checked in under another guest’s name. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about TSA, doesn’t it.

 

Ethan Czahor, founder of “Hipster.com“, and the new chief technology officer for Jeb Bush’s PAC,  “resigned” tonight, after removing “inappropriate” tweets from his personal account.
Those tweets, dating from 2009-10, included a number of racist and homophobic jokes, along with others that referred to women as sluts. But maybe the real recent Bush let him go?   That Czahor, who is YOUNG enough to know better, didn’t know enough not to post this sort of stuff in the first place.

And for that matter, doesn’t Jeb have anyone on his staff who knows how to use Google on potential new hires?”

Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who calls herself the Senate’s first female “combat veteran”, is defending herself after it’s been pointed out she was a National Guard Company commander for 13 months. But her unit was never attacked nor in a firefight. Well cut her some slack, maybe Ernst’s real dream job isn’t in Washington, but in network news.

 

And that’s the way it is. Well, kinda, sorta….

February 7, 2015

Note to Brian Williams. Forrest Gump was a fantasy movie, not a mission statement.

 

Now that ‪#‎BrianWilliams‬ has stepped down most the trusted newscaster in America might well be ‪#‎JonStewart‬

 

A serious thought about Brian Williams, as Dr. Gregory House once said, “Everybody lies.” And most parents have a version of the “walking to school three miles in the snow, uphill both ways” story for their kids. But when your entire career is based on trustworthiness, thinking he should have stepped down maybe less for the lie, than his stupidity in thinking that he was always going to get away with it.

Bruce Jenner was involved in a multi-vehicle accident in Southern California. And of course it would be inappropriate for anyone to make women driver jokes.

Browns QB Brian Hoyer said today that the NFL’s investigation of text-messages from the Cleveland front office could affect his thinking if he becomes a free agent. Well, or at least it sounds classier than saying “I don’t want to work for any team that thought it was a good idea to draft Johnny Train Wreck.”

A GOP congressman from Maine is being criticized by many conservatives for his vote this week against a proposal to repeal Obamacare. But Bruce Poliquin says that while he is against the ACA, he thinks a replacement plan should be ready first, and besides, the House has already voted against it many times. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Is this guy trying to be drummed out of the Republican party for excessive common sense?

Chevrolet has decided that per Tom Brady’s wishes, they will give the truck he won as Super Bowl MVP directly to Malcolm Butler instead. The only thing, instead of Brady, the rookie will now have to pay the income taxes on the $35,000 the company says the Chevy Colorado is worth. You’d think they would have at least tried to underinflate the truck’s value.

San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone wants to put morals clauses in Catholic school teacher contracts, whereby they could be punished or dismissed for (his quote) “escorting a woman into an abortion clinic, handing out contraception to students, or for being a member of a white supremacist group.” Right, because whatever your beliefs, those three things are SO equivalent.

But hey, pedophilia?  Crickets.  Everything that is not forbidden…

A Florida woman just gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. FSU immediately offered the child a football scholarship.

 

Increasingly the ‪#‎Knicks‬ at Madison Square Garden are less a road game for most ‪#‎NBA‬ teams than an expense paid vacation to New York

 

New commissioner Rob Manfred says MLB will start awarding the All-Star games by a Super Bowl-type bidding process. And the Yankees and Dodgers are thinking, “Great, can we just doing the World Series the same way?”

That’s my story, and I’m trying not to stick to it.

February 4, 2015

Wow. NBC News anchor Brian Williams admitted today that his 2003 story of being shot down in a military helicopter down by enemy fire in Iraq was false, but “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another… I feel terrible about making this mistake.” “Conflate one aircraft with another?” I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Conrad Hilton Jr, 20, appeared in court and was ordered to surrender his passport during a court appearance over a meltdown on a flight from London to LA last year which including him calling flight attendants ‘f***ing peasants.” Who knew that big sister Paris would turn out to be the class of that family.’

So on the highways in the greater Seattle area, will all “No passing lanes” be renamed in honor of Pete Carroll?”

So the Super Bowl was only a few days ago, and already we’ve had 3 current NFL players arrested. Letroy Guion, D’Qwell Jackson, and Joseph Randle. Looking good for all those who bet the “over” in Vegas.

Indanapolis Colts LB D’Qwell Jackson has been arrested and charged with assault for hitting a pizza deliveryman over an argument about a parking space. Isn’t it time for the NFL to welcome their new sponsor, Uber?

In the “cheer up, things could be worse” airline division, I give you China’s Spring Airlines, which is trying to get approval for selling  discount tickets to passengers willing to stand. No joke.

Yasiel Puig just said that the Los Angeles Dodgers real rivals are not the SF Giants, but the St. Louis Cardinals. That ought to make Puig even more popular when the Dodgers visit AT&T Park in April.

From Alex Kaseberg.  “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighborhood rat infestation. The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.”

Because of a case involving an HIV-positive man who didn’t disclose his condition to his partner, the Florida Supreme Court will now consider the definition of “sexual intercourse.” Though presumably they turned down a request to testify on the subject from Bill Clinton.

 

Anthem, the second largest health insurer in the US, said today its database has been hacked, potentially exposing personal information about 80 million customers. Anthem said that the breach exposed “names, birthdays, social security numbers, street AND email addresses, plus employment information, including income data,” But no credit card information was exposed. Well, okay, as long as the hackers didn’t get anything important. ‪#‎facepalm‬

Say it ain’t so.

January 26, 2015

A small drone that crashed on the White House lawn this morning apparently belonged to a “government employee” who said was using it for fun when he lost control of the flying device. You know, they really need to find more to do for Joe Biden.

Why there is no satire. Incoming MLB commissioner Rob Manfred said he wants to “inject more offense into the game.” Uh, been there, done that. Got the asterisk on the t-shirt.

 

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today if the NFL can’t definitely determine guilt in “Deflate-gate”, that the league owes the entire team an apology. Guess that sounds better than saying the NFL would owe New England congratulations on the cover-up.

Richard Sherman, who missed the Pro Bowl because his team has a game this weekend, has a gripe. “Only thing I’m disappointed about is that we didn’t get our gifts from the Pro Bowl. Which is kind of dumb.The NFL is only league that punishes the players who actually make the all-star game by not giving them the gift.”

Well, to be fair, Sherman only signed a 4 year $56 million extension with the Seahawks. Dude’s got to take care of his family.

Arizona man who was hired as “assistant frequency coordinator” for the Super Bowl was fired after he posted a Facebook picture of himself wearing the security ID (The NFL forbids this because of fears the ID’s could be copied.)

His response. “When I screw up…I do it good….. They say that the hardest words in the English language to say are ‘I’m wrong.’ Well…I’m wrong.” Give the guy credit, he’s manned up better than the Patriots.

Tom Brady this morning on a Boston radio show about “Deflate-gate,” said “my feelings got hurt.” “I feel so sorry for him,” said no one outside New England.

What took so long? Fox Sports reports that NFL has “zeroed in” on a Patriots locker room attendant who allegedly took balls before the Patriots-Colts from the officials’ locker room to another area on the way to the field. So was it Belichick or Brady who uttered the pre-game words “Who will rid me of this meddlesome air?

Odell Beckham Jr., he of the highlight reel catches, says that he was bothered by a hamstring this year and wasn’t at full strength all season. And a bunch of cornerbacks and safeties just threw up.

Disney Cruise Line has announced plans to bring “Frozen” to life for cruise passengers this summer on select sailings to Europe and Alaska, with characters and music from the film. And presumably well-iced martinis to help parents survive hearing “Let it Go” one more time.

 

KFC in the Philippines has a new menu item, the “Double Down Dog” sandwich. It features a cheese covered hot dog inside a bun-size piece of fried chicken. No word on if the “Double Down Dog” will ever be available in the U.S. Presumably KFC first needs to find a sponsoring team of cardiologists.

Travel bans in effect Monday night in NY.. ‪#‎NYJets‬ & ‪#‎NYGiants‬ have done their part by not having fans need to fly to ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ ‪#‎blizzardof2015‬

The winning touch?

January 24, 2015

A new poll found that 1 in 4 U.S. citizens believe God plays a role in determining which team wins sports contests. The rest of us know it’s down to lucky charms, clothes, voodoo, etc.

Fed Ex announced they have delivered the Super Bowl Lombardi trophy to Arizona, where it is now on display. If the Patriots win will they put a little dent in the football?

The NFL has apparently warned that if Marshawn Lynch grabs his crotch again for a touchdown celebration, Seattle will be fined 15 yards. Wouldn’t it be simpler to just ask the Patriots to over-inflate the Seahawks’ footballs?

Well, at least Brandon Bostick has to be happy no one is talking anymore about his muffed catch of the ‪#‎Seahawks‬ onside kick.

Although just think, had the Seahawks kicked one of those Patriot balls, Bostick might have had an easier time catching it.

And if some ways really don’t get why Deflategate is still a story. Shouldn’t the Patriots have found some lowly equipment staffer willing to fall on his sword, or rather ball, and accept responsibility by now? Or are they still working out the details of the “retirement” payout?

Northern California’s Serra High School has been banned from post-season football for two years. Because their coach announced to their opponent, at noon on the day of a December playoff consolation game, that they were forfeiting and would not play, because he “couldn’t justify a single injured player.” So in other words, risks are fine if it’s about winning. But if the game doesn’t lead to a potential championship, there’s no point.

And this is the high school where Tom Brady played football. ‪#‎lessonlearned‬

Lindsay Lohan is facing jail because she is behind on her community service. But the actress is claiming she hasn’t been able to put in the hours due to a virus she contracted while vacationing in Bora Bora. Wouldn’t it have been easier to claim measles from Disneyland?

The University of Alabama has announced that Lane Kiffin will be staying as offensive coordinator. Translation, either the SF 49ers wised up. Or didn’t offer Kiffin enough money.

 

Big sports news across the pond in England. BBC calling it maybe the biggest FA Cup shocker ever – Bradford City comes back from 2-0 down to beat Chelsea 4-2. And in the US people are going, “who’s Bradford, who’s Chelsea, and what the heck is the FA Cup?”

Great oldie but goodie line on a San Francisco bar coaster. “The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.” ‪#‎notamorningperson‬

Sarah Palin now says she is “seriously interested” in running for President in 2016. This might be the first time Palin and “serious” have been used in the same sentence.

 

Ted Cruz today in Iowa. “There are 110,000 employees at the IRS. We need to padlock that building and put every one of those 110,000 on our southern border.’ What’s more ludicrous? The idea of putting all Americans on the honor system for taxes? Or putting 110,000 accountant types with guns on the Mexican border?

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Slip slipping away.

January 19, 2015

So Brandon Bostick didn’t lose that game for the Packers all by himself. But when he let that onside kick go through his hands, the fat lady was so upset she dropped her sheet music.

 

The Seattle Seahawks deleted their MLK day tweet saying “We shall overcome” with an MLK quote about faith and a picture of a crying Russell Wilson. Good thing it wasn’t Easter…. wonder what they would have tweeted about resurrection.

 

 

So lots of potential bets on the Super Bowl. One of the more intriguing… what’s the over-under on the size of the fine the NFL will levy on Marshawn Lynch for not talking during media week?

Seattle police let Seahawks DE Michael Bennett commandeer one of their bicycles for a joy ride around the field after yesterday’s game. And somewhere Madison Bumgarner saw that and said, “Alright, next time no one’s telling ME I can’t ride a police horse in a parade.”

Happy MLK day. And a weird trivia apropos of nothing, well, except that it’s almost Spring Training. Had Martin Luther King lived, he would still be younger than Vin Scully.

 

A college intern working for the Cincinnati Bengals’ was arrested and is facing felony fraud charges after allegedly stealing more than 100 items, including shoes and other gear from the team’s locker room. The items were valued at a total of about $3,500. What an idiot. You’d think he’d at least work for a team where the stolen stuff would be worth more.

Chicago GM Ryan Pace called new coach John Fox “a game-changer” for the team. Cool, but it will take more than changing one-game to make the Bears a serious postseason contender in 2015.

Bud Selig this weekend in St. Louis, “I visit all 30 cities, and you are the best baseball city.”    Now, Cardinals fans are great. But no respect for the city that has sold out every game for the past three years?  (San Francisco)

The measles outbreak that started at Disneyland over the holidays is now up to at least 51 cases in California, a few other states, and Mexico. And it is expected to get much worse. The L.A.Times reports “the wealthy area of southern Orange County has particularly low vaccination levels among kindergartners compared to the state average.” ‪#‎Moneycantfixstupid‬

Pope Francis, who has come out against artificial birth control, did just say. “Some people think that – excuse my expression here – that in order to be good Catholics we have to be like rabbits.” and added that he knew many ways allowed by the Church to limit family size. Right. Brings to mind the old joke, “What do you call people who practice the rhythm method?” “Parents.”

A new poll shows President Obama’s approval rating back up to 50%. Makes sense. The economy is getting better. And maybe Americans are starting to look ahead to the alternatives.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal today reiterated his claim that Muslim immigrants have created “no-go zones” in Europe where non-Muslims are not welcome. Although he can’t name one such zone. Apparently Jindal’s prior comment that the GOP must “stop being the stupid party” doesn’t extend to pesky things like facts.

Okay, Billy Crystal has been taking heat for saying he thought some gay sex scenes on TV went “a little too far. ” But it’s gotten less attention when he added “What I meant was that whenever sex or graphic nudity of any kind (gay or straight) is gratuitous to the plot or story, it becomes a little too much for my taste.” Actually agree with him. Hard to believe it was scandalous when I was a kid that Mike and Carol Brady shared a bed.

Here we go again. In Missouri a 9-month-old boy has died after being shot in the head by his 5-year-old brother. Stand by for the NRA campaign to arm babies at birth.

 

Over optimism?

January 15, 2015

Rex Ryan, in his introductory press conference as coach of the Buffalo Bills, told fans “it’s been 15 years” since the playoffs. “Well, get ready. We’re going.” So does Rex have a special contact to help with tickets?

 

 

 

Less than enthusiastic reaction for a potential third run: “If Mitt Romney is the answer, what is the question? And “Romney is a man of admirable personal character, but his political profile is, well, protean.” This from an editorial in that wacky leftist publication, the Wall Street Journal.

 

Actor Jeff Goldblum, 62, will become a first-time dad, as his wife, Emilie Livingston, 31, is pregnant. These things do make some sense, the baby’s feedings should coincide nicely with Goldblum’s middle of the night bathroom runs.

Why there is no satire. Ted Cruz has been named chair of the House Subcommittee on “Space, Science and Competitiveness.” Having Ted Cruz chair a Science committee is like having Bill Clinton chair a committee on Abstinence.

Oregon’s ‪#‎MarcusMariota‬ has declared for the draft. Good news for ‪#‎NFL‬ teams, and for the rest of the ‪#‎Pac12‬ .

Ah, who says the San Antonio Spurs aren’t a wild and crazy bunch. Why, they visited the White House today, and Tim Duncan showed up WITHOUT A TIE.

A South Carolina mother reported her son missing this week. She last saw him in June 1995 when he went “to follow the Grateful Dead.” Sounds like the son wasn’t the only “Dead Head” in the family.

 

Rosie Perez is out as co-host of “The View.”. Wow, “The View” is still on?

Two men have become the first in history to reach the top of El Capitan’s Dawn Wall without bolts or climbing tools. It took them over two weeks. A lot of men read this and think “Awesome.” And a lot of women think “Why?”

The SF 49ers will apparently hire defensive line coach Jim Tomsula as their new coach, over a host of other candidates including defensive coordinator Vic Fangio, who has been Tomsula’s superior. Looks like the circus is coming to town early this year.

So two questions on the 49ers hiring Jim Tomsula as head coach: How many years is the contract. And how many years into the contract will this new Jim coach until he and the team “decide to go in different directions?”

So a new marijuana spray will be on sale in Colorado this week, that claims to help women have better sex. Well, maybe, or maybe the sex stays mediocre but women then eat enough chocolate that they don’t care.

 

Alternative Monday headline “Obama blows off Cybersecurity Summit preparation for expensive and disruptive selfie opportunity in Paris.” Which is of course what Fox News would have written had the President taken Air Force One and his massive security detail to France for the Unity march this weekend.

From Marc Ragovin “Several NY TV stations are not showing the cover of the current issue of Charlie Hebdo, citing their policies of not airing material that some viewers might find offensive. And yet they continue to show Knicks’ games highlights.


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