Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

Up to date in Kansas City.

October 21, 2014

Really good of ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ to educate us repeatedly on how the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are without ‪#‎AngelPagan‬, a vital part of their team. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

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A few weeks after Matt Cain’s perfect game in 2012 I got upgraded on a plane and seated next to Karl Ravech. Told him that as impressive as Cain was, along with Cy Young winner Lincecum, I didn’t think either of them would end up being the best of the Giants’ current pitchers. Might not have been my worst hunch ever. ‪#‎Madbum‬.

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Really a shame ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game 1 is in an American League park. ‪#‎Madbum‬ is probably upset that he hasn’t had a chance to bat. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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And we thought Jeter was precocious? ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ turned 25 on Aug 1. he is pitching in his third ‪#‎WorldSeries‬. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Is ‪#‎BusterPosey‬ trying to set a record for being thrown out at home in the postseason?

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The Kansas City Royals are a great story. But as to the die-hard long-suffering fan narrative? The team ranked 25th in attendance this year. 25th. ‪#‎bandwagon‬ ‪#‎Worldseries‬

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Dallas has waived ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ from their practice squad. Well, at least I can go back to hating the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ again.

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Taylor Swift is now doing marketing promos for Subway. How long until she breaks off the partnership and writes a song about it for Quiznos?

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Anthony Weiner told Politico that his career in politics  “is probably over.”‘ What was his first clue?

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Tim Tebow, on the woeful Florida Gators: “One of the biggest problems on the offense is leadership.” And fans are thinking “What leadership?”

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In Florida, there’s a lot of voting by mail. One contentious issue this year is “Amendment 2,” which would legalize medical marijuana. It’s expected to be close — advocates are just hoping many supporters send their ballots back BEFORE the election.

(as my friend Jim M.. says “Dude, where’s my vote?”)

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Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years for killing his girlfriend. Under South African law, after 10 months, 1/6 of his sentence, he can ask for house arrest. When all this is over wonder Oscar’s friends have warned him not to come to the U.S. and steal any of his memorabilia…

 

 

 

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Love it. Rwanda’s Ministry of Health will screen all visitors who have been in the United States or Spain 22 days before arrival. Travelers will have their temperatures taken and anyone with a fever will be denied entry; others will have to report their health daily. Maybe to be safe the rest of the world should start quarantining Texans?

 

Legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee, 93, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there was a time when people actually got their news from newspapers, and when we were shocked that politicians really were crooks,

 

 

Had Renee Zellwegger had her work done during the filming of Jerry Maguire, the movie might have ended, “Hello, I’m looking for my wife…. Uh, who the hell are you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still fighting Irish.

October 20, 2014

Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly is still complaining about the pass interference call against his team, basically over an illegal “pick play” that sealed FSU’s win Saturday night. Can we start referring to this as a “sacramental whine?”

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There are reports that Bruce Jenner is dating Kris Jenner’s good friend Ronda Kamihira. Kris is reportedly shocked, she didn’t realize Ronda was a lesbian.

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Monica Lewinsky, speaking at the “Forbes’ Under 30 Summit”” against cyber-bullying – “Sixteen years ago, fresh out of college…I fell in love with my boss.” Well, yeah, cyber-bullying is awful. And poor girl, she had no way to know her boss was married…..

 

Oscar de la Renta has died at the age of 82. Most women are thinking, “Sad, it’s the end of an era.” Most men are thinking “What team did he play for?”

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After Peyton Manning’s 509th TD pass, Broncos receivers played “keep away” with the ball. Funny, that’s the same game Jets receivers usually seem to play when Geno Smith throws to them.

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Apparently after yesterday’s loss to the Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bears WR Brandon Marshall called out quarterback Jay Cutler. And long-time Bears fans said “What took you so long?”

(From my friend Alex B.  “Responded Cutler: ‘Well if you’d just stand still, I could accurately throw you the ball!’!”

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On World Series Eve, trying to remember all the national derision when Wild Card teams made it to, and even won, the Super Bowl. Oh, that’s right…. there wasn’t any.

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Texans and Steelers were on Monday Night Football. Two teams that are about as appealing to a national audience as the Royals and Giants in the World Series.

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Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino tweeted: “I truly believe we will beat Florida State (in football) … I haven’t been this excited for a football game in a long time.” Hmm, has anyone checked that man for concussions?

 

 

Burlington Elementary School just banned students from bringing any food, including birthday cake, to school birthday celebrations. The rationale, sending a message “to the parents and kids, especially with the obesity rate being so high.” Another example of an overly PC blue state, right? Wrong. The school is in Kentucky.

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CNN headlines “Glimmers of hope in fight against Ebola: Nigeria and Senegal are Ebola-free. A Spanish nurse’s aide has beaten Ebola. And Dallas has cleared dozens from Ebola monitoring.” Does this mean it’s time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again?

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Too simplistic, but awfully tempting just to vote on propositions solely based just on who is paying for the ads for and against them.

 

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Ah Texas. Attorney General Greg Abbott, running for Governor, was asked about interracial marriage and gave a vague answer. When a reporter said she “wasn’t clear if he was saying he would have defended a ban on interracial marriage.” Abbott replied, “Actually, the reason why you’re uncertain about it is because I didn’t answer the question. And I can’t go back and answer some hypothetical question like that.’” I SO miss Molly Ivins…

Swan song for the Orioles.

October 15, 2014

KC Royals pitcher Jeremy Guthrie apologized for wearing a T-shirt  saying “These O’s aint’ Royal” — a pun on a Chris Brown song. Yeah, really unfair this week to compare Baltimore to Chris Brown, the O’s weren’t hitting anything.

 

Congrats to Kansas City.  Now FOX has a whole week to convince potential viewers that Royals really are America’s Team

 

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The Royals scored their two runs to win today in the first inning without a hit out of the infield. Who do they think they are, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬?

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SF Giants have scored 22 runs in their last 6 post season games.  Of those, 10 runs were scored by way of a hit.  #smokeandmirrors

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So wonder what Andrew Friedman’s first act running the Dodgers will be. Other than trying just to buy the Royals

 

-On “The Jim Rome Show,” Bo Jackson said Jameis Winston is ignoring his advice. “I have communicated with him, and I just talked to him like I was his dad.” Yeah, and Winston is probably listening to Jackson about as much as many cocky 20 year olds listen to their dads

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Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher said they are confident Jameis Winston wasn’t paid for autographing memorabilia. And F$U has million$ of rea$on$ to believe that.

 

 

Actual items in a grocery ad today. Pumpkin Spice Salsa, Pumpkin Pasta Sauce, Pumpkin BBQ Sauce and, no joke, Organic Pumpkin Pet Food…. Anyone but me counting the days until Halloween and this pumpkin craziness is over?

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Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said RB Joseph Randle will be fined significantly for his shoplifting arrest. Wonder if the exact amount of the fine will depend on whether or not Garrett shoplifted NFL approved merchandise.

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Ebola is not contagious through the air. But after a second nurse with the virus was found to have flown on Frontier Airlines from Cleveland to Dallas, Frontier issued a statement saying “the aircraft received a thorough cleaning per our normal procedures.” “Normal procedures.” Yeah, that’s what Americans are afraid of…..

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Wonder how many Americans are getting so stressed out about ‪#‎Ebola‬ that they are taking up smoking?

 

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Meanwhile,  many in the GOP are calling for President Obama to appoint an Ebola “czar.”  So they can then turn around and say how bad a job that czar is doing.

 

 

Messing with Texas.

October 14, 2014

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, speaking in London, telling his English audience  “You always sound so darn smart and refined no matter what you’re saying.” And no doubt many in the crowd are thinking “It’s not just the accent that makes you sound so dumb.”

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But also let me get this straight, in Texas, they are upset that the CDC and President Obama haven’t done more against Ebola. Mark this down, Texans are  Cocomplaining that the Federal Government hasn’t done enough to interfere in their state.

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Really? Cowboys RB Joseph Randle was arrested last night for shoplifting underwear and cologne in at a local Dillard’s. Wonder if the reaction in Dallas front office was, well at least he didn’t hit anybody.

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Apple and Facebook will now cover the costs for women employees who want to freeze their eggs and delay having children. Makes sense, why use those young and energetic years for motherhood when you can work 80 hour weeks for your company?

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We’re coming up on the 25th anniversary of the Oct 17, 1989 “World Series” earthquake. Wow. They actually used to play the World Series during mid-October?

 

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Alabama TE Kurt Freitag’s status is probably in jeopardy after police searched his dorm room last week and allegedly found 112 grams of marijuana and $4,661 in cash. Thinking this sort of thing presents a major recruiting opportunity for Colorado and the University of Washington.

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Dodgers have now hired Andrew Friedman from the Tampa Bay Rays as their new president of baseball operations. Well, money can’t buy happiness. But Friedman may be about to see it also can’t buy chemistry.

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Tickets for the Cal vs Oregon football game next Friday at Levi’s Stadium are now 2/3 off at Groupon. Might be a good time to check the place out.  With Cal’s defense and Oregon’s offense there probably shouldn’t be too much traffic leaving late in the 4th quarter.

 

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The SF Giants are doing their best to give all baseball fans in the Bay Area a free cardiac stress test. ‪#‎NLCS‬

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ won at 4 20. Anyone see what Lincecum might have been doing to start a rally in the dugout?

 

 

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Anyone know how many ways there are to score without a base hit in baseball? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ seem bound and determined to show us ALL of them.

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The Royals were almost never on ESPN or FOX during the season, and they still aren’t. But watching them the last couple weeks I find it hard to believe that this team ever lost.

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Meanwhile for SF Giants (and St. Louis Cardinals) fans who were watching tonight’s KC Royals and Orioles game – - Amazing how much fun close game is when your heart isn’t set on one outcome. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎ALCS‬

 

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The NHL Florida Panthers announced attendance of 7,311 last night. Or as the Montreal Expos used to call that, a packed house.

All wet?

October 13, 2014

Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was  Monday Night Football.   So at least that didn’t change.

 

The game was scheduled to be on TBS,   had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.

 

The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.

 

#‎Rams‬ looked like they could use ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ on defense ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎MNF‬

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How can you not love ‪#‎HunterPence‬? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” ‪#‎HunterPenceSigns‬ ‪#‎SFGiants

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NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?

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A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.

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So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Wouldn’t it have been simpler for ‪#‎jameiswinston‬ if he just traded autographs for crab legs? ‪#‎FSU‬

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The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?

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A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.

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A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”

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Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage.  Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.

His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.

 

Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.

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And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name.  But as Alex Kaseberg says  “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”

Truthiness in advertising.

October 9, 2014

Red Bull settled a $13 million class action lawsuit over customers being deceived by the slogan “Red Bull Gives You Wings..” Darn, and here I was thinking of going as a bird for Halloween and counting on the drink to give me feathers. -

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Katy Perry will reportedly perform during the Super Bowl halftime show. Well, for many men that’s two reasons to watch.

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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 for wearing pink Beats by Dre headphones around his neck Sunday, instead of the NFL-approved Bose.  Hey, for that amount of money he could have chop-blocked somebody.

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So Jameis Winston is probably out of the Heisman conversation, now another hopeful, Georgia’s TB Todd Gurley, who was leading the SEC in rushing, has been suspended from the team indefinitely pending an “investigation into an alleged violation of NCAA rules.” This year’s award may end up like the Tour de France – last candidate not suspended wins.

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Now Adrian Peterson’s bail may be revoked he told a drug tester that he had “smoked a little weed” before taking a urinalysis test this week. Sigh. Maybe if Peterson had been smoking MORE marijuana he might not have hit his kid as hard.

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 Amazon‬ announced they will open their first store. Response from young adults who have grown up with Amazon Prime – “what’s a store?
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Apparently the iPhone 6 has been catching and painfully plucking loose hairs when held to a user’s face. Well, that’s what people get for using the device for something radical like actually making a phone call.

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Combined ages of Hudson, Peavy & Vogelsong, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ starting pitchers in 3 ‪#‎NLDS‬ games the Giants won, is 109. ‪#‎ageandtreachery (If the Giants can coax Jamie Moyer out of retirement, maybe they’d be favored to win the World Series.)

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From T.C.  “Their “Murder’s row of bats” are Panik, Posey, Pence, Panda,  Perez, Pray and then Pray some more.

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Okay, it’s a convoluted story, but as I understand it, in 2012. a 25 year old single male volunteer for the President’s advance team in Colombia is accused of legally bringing a prostitute to his room in 2012 and denying it later.. And the administration may have delayed the investigation. Wow. Good thing we don’t have any serious issues to worry about.

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Sigh. A new survey finds that 58% of Americans want to ban all flights to the United States from West African countries hit hardest by the Ebola outbreak – Liberia, Guinea and Sierra Leone. Uh, number of direct flights to the US from those countries? Zero. Mission accomplished.

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Another Ebola thought: Lots of folks, especially in the GOP, screaming about closing borders and all kinds of other measures to stop the spread of the disease. When we get this epidemic under control and since AIDS is still an issue, will those same people also start telling all Americans to start using condoms?

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Moving on.

September 29, 2014

Monday was the first day that MLB had to survive without Derek Jeter.  Tragic, really.

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A’s vs. Royals today in the AL Wild Card game. “I’ll take two teams where most Americans can’t name a single player for $500, Alex.”

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Not to say the ‪#‎Patriots‬ are getting old but rumor has it their video spy team has been using ‪#‎VHS‬ tape.

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On Monday, National Coffee Day, restaurants were giving away coffee to customers. Now at 2am EST Tuesday ‪#‎NationalCoffeeDay‬ is trending on Facebook…. Presumably because of all those wide awake people who had several cups of free coffee.

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After NC State almost upset Florida State, the Wolfpack coach caused the Seminoles of faking injures. Jimbo Fisher responded “Well, I accuse him of not knowing what he’s talking about. They’re not fake injuries. No one faked injuries, and we wouldn’t do that.” He might have added, “Really, everyone knows FSU only fakes grades and arrest reports.”

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Detroit Lions TE Joseph Fauria says he sprained his ankle when he fell while chasing after a puppy he was toilet training. The puppy now has more tackles than most of the Oakland Raiders defense.

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The ‪#‎Raiders‬ have fired ‪#‎DennisAllen‬. Shocking. So Oakland thinks they have found someone else to take over their train wreck?

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Geno Smith yelled “F— you” at a heckler after the game at MetLife Stadium. If this keeps up, even PETA members will be calling for Michael Vick. ‪#‎Jets‬

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In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rejected Ohio early voting starting Sept. 30 instead of Oct. 7. Rationale? Presumably because the Court couldn’t figure out a way, yet, to overturn the 15th and 19th amendments.

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Joe Girardi said today he expects A-Rod to play 3rd next year, but that he doesn’t anticipate Rodriguez’s return to create a distraction. Hmm, is it time to start drug testing MLB managers?

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O’Hare Airport still has thousands of cancelled flights, and the FAA says Chicago air traffic won’t be back to normal until at last mid October. Which should be right about the time they start closing the airports for snow.

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A Southern California woman is suing the producers of “Glee” because she allegedly tripped over cables at Burbank Town Center while the series was filming there. Would be interesting to see security footage from the mall, over-under on the odds the woman was looking at her phone at the time

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Bus to hell, NASCAR version:  Tony Stewart said Monday in a press conference that retiring “would take the life out of me.” Is that really the right phrase to use after killing someone with your car?


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