Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

The price of buying a clue clearly has gone up….

February 27, 2015

Oops. Someone at JetBlue Airways decided it was a good idea to tweet out “Oh, the Bluemanity” to their almost 2 million followers. (“Oh, the humanity!” was the radio announcer’s cry when the Hindenberg crashed and killed 36 people.). The tweet has been removed.

To paraphrase, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make fools of themselves on social media? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

A California judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan’s self-selected “community service” in London doesn’t count, and she still has over 100 hours to complete if she doesn’t want to go to jail. PEOPLE magazine reported Lohan was trying to include things like having young people “shadow” her and hang out while she was performing in a play. Can’t imagine how celebrities get the reputation for being out of touch..

KNBR radio reports that ESPN has their “Sunday Night Baseball” schedule out. Through July 19, the Red Sox and Yankees are on 7 times. The World Champion SF Giants zero. Ditto the Dodgers. The only team west of the Mississippi on at all are the Angels, twice. And they wonder why baseball doesn’t have a national audience.

In Tennessee, two high school girls basketball coaches were suspended for this season and next year. This after a game where both teams tried to lose to get a better tournament position. Amongst numerous violations were deliberate attempts at turnovers and one attempted own-goal. Wouldn’t it have been easier for one coach just to tell his girls to play like the Knicks?

Headline “MLBer shagging flies steps on sprinkler, tears knee cartilage.” Turns out of be bad news for the Blue Jays’ Michael Saunders. But most Giants fans seeing that story were sure it was Jeremy Affeldt.

Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking “well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit….”

 

Anyone but me beginning to wonder how Aaron Hernandez, 25, managed to stay out of prison for as long as he did? ‪#‎thanksurbanmeyer‬

 

A new British study has found that adults who sleep more than 8 hours a day have a significantly higher risk of strokes. Which is finally some really good health news for working mothers.

NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.

Regarding Chris Christie’s comment that “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” If the NJ Governor REALLY wants a boost to his Presidential prospects can he direct that statement to Kanye West?

From T.C. “At the NFL combine, Jameis Winston ran the 40 in 4.97 sec. Rumor has it he improved his time to 4.55 when a scout handed him a bag of crab legs.”

Dude, where’s my congress?

February 26, 2015

Marijuana, in small quantities, became legal tonight in Washington, D.C. But some Republicans are upset. Rep. Jason Chaffetz, a Tea Partier from Utah wrote in a letter to the mayor. “If you decide to move forward … you will be doing so in knowing and willful violation of the law.” Whatever happened to the mantra of “Government out of our lives”?

David Ortiz is not happy about the new pace rules saying a hitter has to keep one foot in the box “I call that bulls—” And Ortiz also indicated he needs the time to strategize so he’ll just pay the fines. Well, maybe Big Papi can call Marshawn Lynch for advice about setting up one of those automatic payment plans.

The way his trial is going, looks like only thing that could get ‪#‎AaronHernandez‬ an acquittal is a change of venue to Los Angeles.

 

Lebron James is complaining that colleges are already offering his young son basketball scholarships “It’s pretty crazy. It should be a violation. You shouldn’t be recruiting 10-year-old kids.” And Les Miles is thinking, yeah, if we thought he might play football we should have started at least 8 years earlier.

The Chicago Cubs announced that they now have a new mental skills program, run by sports psychologist Dr. Ken Ravizza. Will Dr. Ravizza also be setting up depression clinics for Cubs fans?

Carly Fiorina, trashing Hillary Clinton’s touting of all the hundreds of thousands of miles she travelled as Secetary of State: “But unlike Hillary Clinton, I know that flying is an activity, not an accomplishment.” Spoken like someone who has her choice of private planes.

The Ohio news anchor who used a racial slur to describe Lady Gaga’s music, saying afterwards she didn’t even know the slur was a word, is off the air for three days. Presume when she returns it will be with a dictionary?

Federal prosecutors have decided there is insufficient evidence to prosecute George Zimmerman for a hate crime against Trayvon Martin. Or maybe they figured they could save the expense of a trial since this guy seems well on his way to a Darwin award.

Jason Jones has announced he will follow Jon Stewart in leaving “The Daily Show.” Wonder why the mass exodus. Maybe all these comics are beginning to think, that as crazy as the world is becoming, there really IS no satire.

The state of Texas is warning college kids on spring break to avoid Mexico because of the danger of drug cartel violence. Right, go somewhere like Florida with all-American gun violence.

A New York councilman will introduce a bill tomorrow to require the NYPD to become completely digital, and get rid of their typewriters. Responded most millennials “What are typewriters?”

Mark Beckner, the former Boulder, CO police chief who led the 1996 Jon Benet Ramsey murder investigation acknowledged today in a Reddit session that many mistakes were made, for starters, he wished “we would have done a much better job of securing and controlling the crime scene on day one” and the “DA involvement in this case was inappropriate.”
Anyone who followed the case wonders, in his next interview, will Beckner give his opinion that water is wet?

 

 

A lawyer for the Southern California trucker who abandoned his vehicle on the tracks before a Metrolink train crashed into it said the trucker was “running for his life” and not abandoning the scene of an accident. Police found the guy 45 min later, 1.5 miles away……  Was he afraid the train was going to push him into a lifeboat?

 

From Bill Littlejohn.  “Joba Chamberlain’s new contract includes a Cy Young bonus.Isn’t that like Vin Diesel’s  new contract including an Oscar bonus?”

And the winner should have been….

February 22, 2015

Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.

As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?

Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.

On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.

 

Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.

American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels.   So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?

Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?

Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.

A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?

Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. ‪#‎doublingdownonstupid‬

Something new, something old.

February 20, 2015

So let me get this straight, the same Americans who are so into novelty that they can’t exist without the absolutely newest iPhones are thinking of choosing a new President between Clinton and Bush?

A government panel says drinking three to FIVE cups of coffee a day will help prevent heart disease, liver cancer, Parkinson and type 2 diabetes. Of course, there may be a heightened risk of injury from bouncing off of walls.

 

Jack Nicklaus on Tiger Woods, “I think he’s struggling more between his ears than he is anyplace else.” Oddly enough, Woods seemed to start going downhill when he started focusing more between his ears than between his legs.

Rudy Giuliani, not backing down, now says ““You know, President Obama didn’t live through September 11, I did.” Shocking. Mostly shocking that Rudy didn’t somehow use 9-11 in his original “Obama doesn’t love America” statement.

 

More from  Giuliani. ““What I don’t find with Obama is a really deep knowledge of history. I think it’s a dilettante’s knowledge of history.” So has anyone asked Rudy what he thinks of, for starters, Oklahoma Republicans trying to ban AP US History classes in schools?

Another reason why good manners are important. Karma can be one mean impressive b*tch sometimes. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…/Commuter-swears-man-way-interv…

MLB and the players unions have agreed to changes to speed up the game – enforcement of the rule that players keep one foot in the batter’s box, and stadium clocks for pitching changes and inning breaks. So who knows, maybe this year they can get an average Red Sox-Yankees game down to four hours.

Pablo Sandoval dismissed criticism over his weight in a Spanish interview with ESPNDeportes, saying “Let them talk… It will never change me or the player I am.” Actually with this winter in Boston Panda could have just said he was storing up fat for hibernation.

A bipartisan group in Congress is working on legislation to require Amtrak to allow small pets (under 20 pounds) on train trips of less than 750 miles. Let’s hope they’re specific. Cats and dogs make sense. But not sure we want “motherf***ing snakes on motherf***ing trains.”

 

No deaths or injuries thankfully from a major fire at a luxury skyscraper in Dubai. But maybe it’s tempting fate a bit much to name a building “The Torch.”

 

Pete Carroll said he’ll miss competing against Jim Harbaugh now that Harbaugh’s returned to the college game. Well a few more calls like the end of the Super Bowl and Pete might be back with Jim.

Mount MIT

February 18, 2015

mit

The California drought and warm weather means U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association has had to cancel a World Cup competition that was to be held in March at Squaw Valley.. Maybe they can move it to Boston?

 

The above photo is for real, built by MIT students.

 

In Washington, snow has shut the federal government, and according to a headline “330,000 are without power.” 330,001 if you count Joe Biden.

This weekend in Lake Placid all living members of the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team will reunite for the 35th anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice.” Meanwhile, in Boston, they are hoping for a “Miracle to get rid of the Ice.”

 

ESPN reports that investigators have found that a Patriots locker-room attendant tried to insert an unapproved football into their playoff game against the Colts. So have they also found how much New England might be paying this guy for throwing himself under the bus?

Over 23 million people watched NBC’s SNL’s 40th anniversary special Sunday night. Wonder how many of them had to first find out what channel NBC is these days?

Pablo Sandoval has shown up to spring training looking, well, large.  Guess the Panda hasn’t had any problems finding the bakeries and restaurants in Boston’s North End.

Several hundred teenagers in Ococee, FL stormed a movie theater after employees said they were not accompanied by adults, and refused to sell them tickets to “Fifty Shades of Grey,” If only they had been armed.

Ahmad Bradshaw was cited for possession of a small amount of marijuana by the Ohio Highway Patrol. But he wasn’t arrested, and the citation is payable without a court appearance. So basically, Ohio  just has a marijuana tax?

Kobe Bryant says he isn’t retiring. “I thought the Spurs were done 20 years ago. Those guys are still winning. … I’m hoping I can have the same rebirth.” Uh, except, Kobe, San Antonio doesn’t need an expensive backup shooting guard.

A 92 year-old-driver lost control of his minivan outside a Piggly Wiggly in Wisconsin, then panicked and hit a total of 9 other cars in the parking lot. Police say the man will not be ticketed, but he’s presumably been offered a spot in the next “Senior Demolition Derby.”

If you can ice break it there, you’ll make it anywhere…..

February 17, 2015

New York’s East River is clogged with ice flows. How long until the Circle Line starts trying to make extra money by doing Titanic-themed cruises?

We’re already up to Winter storms Neptune and Octavia. So what happens in another few weeks… do they start with Roman numbers?

 

The Yankees today announced that not only will they retire Andy Pettitte’s #46, they will also retire Bernie Williams’s #51 and Jorge Posada’s #20. So who will be the first Bronx Bomber to wear triple digits?

When the Yankees announced they were retiring  Andy Petitte’s number, it prompted this tweet “”Congrats to 46. Yankees retiring his number. Hopefully they don’t retire it like his HGH testimony,” This from Petitte’s former teammate Chuck Knoblauch. So just guessing those two won’t be on the same team for the next Yankees’ old-timers game?

A 20-year-old American man is out of intensive care after being repeatedly gored during a bull-running festival in Spain, including a major wound in his thigh area. So just MAYBE Darwin’s mission has been accomplished here.

Sorry to hear of the death of former SF Giants coach Wendell Kim, only 64. But thinking that in a softball game in Heaven, Kim’s already waving Ernie Banks around third.

 

Barry Zito has signed a minor-league trade deadline with the As. Makes sense. He has a comfortable history with the team. And if Barry does well, presumably he can count on Oakland trading him to a contender mid-season.

Lesley Gore, 68, who sang the hit “It’s my party,” has passed away. Presumably attendees at her funeral will be told they can “cry if they want to.”

#‎JasonGiambi‬, 44, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

When a 20 yr-old New Jersey man who’d been drinking crashed a car, he returned in another car with a friend, also allegedly drunk, to pour water on the road. The idea being to make it look like he’d spun out on black ice.

A policeman saw them, along with the empty buckets, and both men were arrested. You’d think if the guy could think of something this creatively weird, he’d have been able to think to call a cab?

The weather has been so bad back East that most Americans trying to honor our Presidents Monday had to resort to shopping online.

Sarah Palin last night on SNL40 to Jerry Seinfeld –
“Just curious, Jerry, how much do you think Lorne Michaels would pay me if I were to run in 2016?”
“Run for president? Sarah, I don’t think there’s a number too big.”
“OK, just hypothetically then, what if I were to choose Donald Trump as my running mate?”

So does Palin actually have a sense of humor, or a fundraising strategy?

Still sleepless after all these years.

February 16, 2015

SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.

 

Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.

 

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

 

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

 

It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.

#‎Bassomatic‬. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

Who knew ‪#‎MileyCyrus‬ could perform with all her clothes on? ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

 

Why oh why couldn’t ‪#‎SNL40‬ have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ tonight?

Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”

In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)

7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.


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