Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

Storms and other hot air

October 23, 2015

The Pacifc Coast of Mexico braced today for Patricia, possibly the “worst hurricane ever.,” which was expected still to be a major storm by the time it hits Texas.   Waiting for Donald Trump to say if he were in charge he’d put up a wall to stop it.

The only way CNN could have been more excited about Hurricane ‪#‎Patricia‬ was if there were a cruise ship potentially stuck in it.

First Jim Webb, now it’s bye bye Lincoln Chafee. Say what you want about Democrats, but at least they know when to give up on hopeless Presidential campaigns. Yes, I’m talking about you “fill-in-the-blank.”

U.S. authorities this week found a U.S.-Mexico border tunnel stretching the length of 8 football fields long, from Tijuana to San Diego, with lighting, electricity and a rail system. Sounds like these are the kind of folks Trump might want to build that wall.

Spurs basketball coach Gregg Popovich is going to be the new coach of Team USA. Will be quite a change for Pop to coach a team of American players.

Got to love it, on Friday night, Fox Sports ticker had “Breaking News – Royals defeat Rays 4-3 to advance to second straight World Series.” During post game ‪#‎ALCS‬ coverage.

Scott Servais will apparently be named the Mariners new manager this year. So once again folks, if you want your kids to grow up to be managers, give them a catcher’s mitt.

Westboro Baptist Church was picketing the Blue Jays -Royals ALCS game tonight to “preach to the depraved Canadians.” Where were some players with good strong bat flips when you REALLY needed them?

New Jersey police are looking for the rightful owner of 50 pounds of pot that was mailed to someone who didn’t even live at the address. When that person comes forward he/she will receive free room and board from the state for a while. Along with a ‪#‎canttixstupid‬ award.

The number of confirmed Shigella infections has risen to 141 in an outbreak traced to a San Jose, CA restaurant. So waiting for N.C. senator Thom Tillis to reiterate his Feb. 2015 comments of how obligatory hand-washing rules are an example of government overreach.

McDonald’s is testing out new sweet potato fries in Texas. Makes sense. Most Americans really do feel sweet-deprived.

Maine voters fhis fall have “Question 1”, a citizen initiative to strengthen the state’s Clean Election Act . It requires more donor transparency, and would allow candidates that are being heavily outspent by their opponents to re-qualify for additional public financing by collecting more small-dollar contributions.
Governor Paul LePage says “that’s like giving my wife my checkbook. I’m telling you, it’s giving your wife your checkbook.”
Wow., that’s misogynistic enough you wonder if LePage is hoping to be a GOP running mate.

President Obama today compared Republicans to ‪#‎GrumpyCat‬. Prompting calls for an apology…. from Grumpy Cat.

While most agree Hillary Clinton is smart, some of the buzzwords used against her are “Machiavellian,” “ambitious,””ruthless,” “duplicitous,” etc.
Just thinking, what if the Dems ran a woman who was just considered smart, sweet, kind and understanding? Then the GOP would say she was naive and by no means tough enough to lead in a tough world of cunning male leader

Breaking bread?

October 22, 2015

In Israel, a cafe owner is offering 50% off to Jewish and Arab customers who eat at the same table. If this catches on maybe some brave restaurant owner in the U.S could do the same for Democrats and Republicans.

No playoff baseball on TV tonight. So all Americans got to see what it’s like to be a fan without cable.

Matt Harvey made $614,000 from the NY Mets this year while Jacob deGrom made $556.000. Together they almost equal the 2015 Mets’ salary of Bobby Bonilla – $1,193,000.

Don Mattingly will not be back next year as manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. “I am shocked” said nobody.

It was a pretty painful loss for Michigan last week, but the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ did all they could tonight to put a smile back on Jim Harbaugh’s face.

Just thinking when ‪#‎NFL‬ scheduled the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ and ‪#‎Seahawks‬ for ‪#‎TNF‬ they didn’t expect it would be a battle to get out of ‪#‎NFCWest‬ cellar

So apparently Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have both signed a document asking that their divorce case be dismissed. Uh, just thinking, since Odom’s in a condition where he probably couldn’t legally even consent to sex, how could he make any decisions on his marriage?

The state of Oregon is suing GNC saying they knowing spiked supposedly all-natural dietary supplements with synthetic drugs. And hundreds of athletes who’ve been caught for various PED’s are saying “See?”

Your “wanna get away” moment:  The Intercontinental Hotel Group printed cards for its elite frequent stay guests, with a special toll free number on the back.  But they mistakenly printed 1-800 instead of their toll-free prefix 1-844.  So callers to the number ended up with “America’s hottest” phone sex line.   Oops.

You know, between investigating Benghazi and Hillary’s emails, not to mention trying to repeal Obamacare and defund Planned Parenthood, it shouldn’t be surprising that the GOP-ledCongress can’t get anything done – they don’t have time for anything else.

As the Republicans continue to go after Hillary for the deaths in Benghazi have to wonder, would they be giving her a bit more of a break if after the attack she had gotten Obama to invade Grenada?

Benghazi committee chair Trey Gowdy when asked what new information they got from today’s 11 hour questioning of Hillary Clinton “In terms her testimony, I don’t know if she testified that differently today than she’s previously testified.”
Well, that’s certainly enough reason to convene another special committee.

Donald Trump retweeted a tweet saying “Ben Carson is now leading in the polls in Iowa Too much Monsanto in the corn creates issues in the brain?” And of course Iowans were furious.
Now Trump tweeted “the young intern who accidentally did a Retweet apologizes.” Would that be the Donald’s excuse as President if he insults one of our allies?

A study published in Current Biology found the louder the howler monkey, the smaller his testicles.
Does this really need a punchline?

Finally, this bus-to-hell item from T.C.    “Louisville University has been accused of using strippers and hookers in their recruiting process for their basketball team. Not to be outdone, up until last week, UNLV was toying with the idea of signing Lamar Odom as their basketball ambassador.”

Back to the past

October 21, 2015

Guess ‪#‎BackToTheFuture‬ was as accurate a predictor as all those prophecies of the Rapture. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬

So did original “Back to the Future” come out during Bartolo Colon’s rookie year? Not quite, but at 12 he was old enough to see it. ‪#‎Mets‬

Well, at least this one’s not on Steve Bartman ‪#‎Cubs‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎NLCS‬

Joe Biden says he is not running for President, saying there is not enough time to mount an effective campaign. And about a dozen GOP candidates are saying “What’s an effective campaign?”

Maybe the ‪#‎Cubs‬ had to lose. With ‪#‎JoeBiden‬ dropping out of Presidential race, God didn’t want to give comedy writers a 2nd blow in one day

The Mets’ Daniel Murphy is looking at a big payday next season. But as far as endorsement contracts, just thinking Murphy might be regretting those anti-gay comments he made in March.

Chris Christie wants to stop flights from NJ to Cuba. Is he afraid too many New Jerseyans will defect.

United sent out an email today saying they had completed Wi-Fi installations on
791 aircraft, representing 92% of our domestic fleet 91% of our international fleet. And on about half of those planes, the Wi-Fi actually works.

Texas Monthly wrote this week about a phrase they use in Norway to describe a situation as “totally crazy” – “Helt Texas.” (The literal translation, “quite Texas.”)
Apparently not many Norwegians have been to Florida?

Former Michigan coach Brady Hoke said he would have have punted on fourth down with 10 seconds left last week against Michigan State. Uh, Brady Hoke wouldn’t have had the lead with 10 seconds left against Michigan State.

The NHL Columbus Blue Jackets have fired coach Todd Richards after an 0-7 start. Surprised reactions across the country. “Columbus has a hockey team?” and “the NHL has started already?”

The rumors aren’t going away that Marshawn Lynch was drag racing Seahawks teammate Fred Jackson when he crashed. If true will Lynch’s defense be that he was just in a hurry to get somewhere so he wouldn’t be fined?

Now that Paul Ryan is making time with his family a requirement for his being Speaker maybe he can use his clout to get the “Family Medical and Insurance Leave” act out of purgatory in the House Ways and Means Committee where it has been languishing this year. Wonder if he knows the chair of the committee? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

(Ryan IS the chair of the committee.)

Am trying to imagine what the GOP would do if Hillary Clinton said one non-negotiable thing if she becomes President would be making some time every week for her granddaughter.

Bristol Palin has apparently come to a child support agreement with her first baby daddy Levi Johnston. Which is probably a good thing, as guessing Bristol won’t be getting that $250,000 plus a year any more as a spokeswoman for abstinence.

Taking a ribbing?

October 16, 2015

Bevo XIV, a longhorn steer who was the University of Texas mascot, has died from bovine leukemia. But he still might be a part of a memorial BBQ in his honor.

In Houston, amazingly no one was killed and six workers have been rescued after scaffolding collapsed at an apartment construction site downtown. It was the worst collapse the city has seen except for the Astros bullpen.

An American Airlines flight was delayed in Dallas by a swam of over a 1,000 bees. On a brighter note, that’s the first time in recent memory the airline has generated serious buzz

United’s new CEO has been soliciting feedback on the carrier from customers. Now he is apparently in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. Hope this isn’t from the shock of seeing what people think of the airline.

Fox News terrorism pundit Wayne Simmons was arrested yesterday after a grand jury indicted him on charges of falsely claiming to have been a 27-year CIA operative. Shame grand juries can’t indict for falsely claiming to be a credible presidential candidate.

So the state of Nevada has at least temporarily outlawed FanDuel and DraftKing, saying that their games are gambling and need a license. So now the only way to gamble in Nevada outside of a casino remains the stock market.

A little side note on that ‪#‎Owusu‬ catch. Yes,there was a defensive pass interference flag. ‪#‎Stanford‬ declined the penalty.

The German football federation says allegations in Der Speigel that it used over 10 million Swiss francs to bribe FIFA members to get the 2006 World Cup are “completely baseless.” Do they mean the idea of bribes or the amount of money?

Even a mean, blind, deaf and dumb squirrel finds a nut once in a while: Westboro Baptist Church says that they will protest Kim Davis on Monday for her “adultery,” claiming that the county clerk is a “proud, self-righteous hypocrite.”

While he wasn’t arrested Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel was apparently pulled over earlier this week in Cleveland when witnesses saw him arguing with his girlfriend in a car. And Manziel admitted to drinking. So congrats to all those who had October 16 in the pool.

Joe Biden’s camp is indicating that the V.P. is close to deciding if he will enter the 2016 Presidential race. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your effing mind.”

From T.C. ” Toronto Blue Jays fans pelted the field with objects after a controversial call went against them in game 5 of the ALDS. . Signs will be posted for their next game that patrons will be immediately ejected if they throw any beer cans, soda pop containers or Maple Leaf jerseys onto the field.”

Washed away

October 5, 2015

Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.

The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. ‪#‎ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball‬

The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”

Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.

After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.

Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the ‪#‎Lions‬ going to screw up their chance to win tonight? ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put ‪#‎Seahawks‬ logo on their uniforms? ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?

In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. ‪#‎Ifonlyshewerearmed‬

So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for ‪#‎Tebow‬? ‪#‎SF49ers‬

Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”

Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.

Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?

From Marc Ragovin –  “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”

And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C.  “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”

An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.

Serious thought for a change:

Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”

Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.

Troubled water?

August 12, 2015

In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready

This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.

So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?

Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.

Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.

Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. ‪#‎justsayin‬


Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply ‪#‎MyLifeMatters‬.

The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?


An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.

An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.

Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused  tickets because of the product on the field.

Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.


Seriously hoping for the best for ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.


Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”


From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”

Missing Jon already

August 7, 2015

Perhaps the highest tribute I can pay to Jon Stewart is that it is now hard to imagine the news without Jon Stewart.

We opine about who might be the next Jon Stewart. But before Jon Stewart we didn’t know there was that position to be filled.

Tuesday – SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke “Aldon’s like any young player, he’s growing up, he’s maturing. You see that with a lot of these guys…” Friday – Aldon Smith has been arrested for a third DUI in four years, along with alleged hit and run and vandalism. So how about those Raiders?

The SF 49ers have now released their All-Pro pash rusher Aldon Smith. Too soon to start a pool on what defensively-challenged team will decide this young man deserves a fifth or sixth chance?

The San Francisco 49ers have canceled plans to allow 20,000 fans to watch the team practice at Levi’s Stadium Sunday, due to poor turf conditions and thus the field not being ready. And 40 miles north, it might be the wind, or you might hear the ghost of Candlestick Park laughing.

The turf at Levi’s Stadium is looking like a serious long-term problem. Fortunately the 49ers seem certain to give the field a long break from usage in the playoff weeks leading up to the 2016 Super Bowl.

Vanderbilt University has pulled a tweet with the football slogan “We Don’t Need Your Permission.” And they’re supposed to be the smart ones in the SEC?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to name their new son “Easton.” I see a new marketing opportunity with Southwest Airlines. ‪#‎wannagetaway‬

So last night’s GOP debate was the most watched primary debate ever. Now it’s making sense; more people tuned in to see Trump than were probably watching his “Apprentice” TV shows.

Who won the first ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ debate? Answer seems pretty obvious – advertisers on FOX News. ‪#‎ratings‬

John Kasich said last night that while he believes in “traditional marriage” he accepts the Supreme Court decision, and actually recently went to the wedding of a gay friend. Is Kasich trying hard to prove he is too reasonable to get the GOP nomination?

For anyone who didn’t know Carly Fiorina before yesterday and was impressed by her debate performance, three words: Google “demon sheep”

#‎UniversityofMinnesota‬ AD resigned after being accused by co-workers of groping and sexting them. Cue “Golden Groper” jokes. ‪#‎goldengophers‬

A belated suggestion for Chris Christie when Rand Paul slammed him for giving Obama a “big hug.” So why didn’t  the NJ Governor turn around and answer “Senator, when the President of the United States shows up in your state after a major natural disaster, bringing money and the Federal government’s resources to help, the question should be, why DON’T you hug him or her. Because that is no time for partisan politics.”

The US Coast Guard caught a semi-submersible vessel and seized six tons of cocaine off the coast of Mexico. Although they admittedly lost two more tons of the coke while trying to tow the sub ashore. Sounds like it’s going to be a high tide.

Donald Trump’s campaign now says they believe Fox News is part of ‘an organized attack’ designed to stop his ‘movement.’ Oh, this awful GOP on GOP violence. (No, I can’t quite say that with a straight face. )

In Michigan.  State Rep. Todd Courser was allegedly having an affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat. Both are “family values” Republicans married to other people. So just your average political hypocrisy.

But now Mr .Courser is alleged to used taxpayer money to have come up with a fake email alleging he had sex with a male prostitute. The idea being to create a “complete smear campaign”, which could be debunked, and would then make the actual affair seem “mild by comparison.” ‪#‎youREALLYcannotmakethisstuffup‬

From my funny friend, Alex Kaseberg,   “A new poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.”


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