Moving on.

Posted September 29, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Monday was the first day that MLB had to survive without Derek Jeter.  Tragic, really.

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A’s vs. Royals today in the AL Wild Card game. “I’ll take two teams where most Americans can’t name a single player for $500, Alex.”

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Not to say the ‪#‎Patriots‬ are getting old but rumor has it their video spy team has been using ‪#‎VHS‬ tape.

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On Monday, National Coffee Day, restaurants were giving away coffee to customers. Now at 2am EST Tuesday ‪#‎NationalCoffeeDay‬ is trending on Facebook…. Presumably because of all those wide awake people who had several cups of free coffee.

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After NC State almost upset Florida State, the Wolfpack coach caused the Seminoles of faking injures. Jimbo Fisher responded “Well, I accuse him of not knowing what he’s talking about. They’re not fake injuries. No one faked injuries, and we wouldn’t do that.” He might have added, “Really, everyone knows FSU only fakes grades and arrest reports.”

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Detroit Lions TE Joseph Fauria says he sprained his ankle when he fell while chasing after a puppy he was toilet training. The puppy now has more tackles than most of the Oakland Raiders defense.

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The ‪#‎Raiders‬ have fired ‪#‎DennisAllen‬. Shocking. So Oakland thinks they have found someone else to take over their train wreck?

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Geno Smith yelled “F— you” at a heckler after the game at MetLife Stadium. If this keeps up, even PETA members will be calling for Michael Vick. ‪#‎Jets‬

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In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rejected Ohio early voting starting Sept. 30 instead of Oct. 7. Rationale? Presumably because the Court couldn’t figure out a way, yet, to overturn the 15th and 19th amendments.

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Joe Girardi said today he expects A-Rod to play 3rd next year, but that he doesn’t anticipate Rodriguez’s return to create a distraction. Hmm, is it time to start drug testing MLB managers?

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O’Hare Airport still has thousands of cancelled flights, and the FAA says Chicago air traffic won’t be back to normal until at last mid October. Which should be right about the time they start closing the airports for snow.

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A Southern California woman is suing the producers of “Glee” because she allegedly tripped over cables at Burbank Town Center while the series was filming there. Would be interesting to see security footage from the mall, over-under on the odds the woman was looking at her phone at the time

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Bus to hell, NASCAR version:  Tony Stewart said Monday in a press conference that retiring “would take the life out of me.” Is that really the right phrase to use after killing someone with your car?

Gone but not forgotten…

Posted September 28, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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The Empire State Building tonight featured blue and white pinstripes in honor of Derek Jeter. The worst thing now that Jeter has finally retired? New Yorkers have to turn their attention to the Jets.

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And yes, I know it’s about being the face of a franchise.   But the sad thing, MLB has paid much more attention to the retirement of Derek Jeter than to the death of Tony Gwynn.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finally won a game today. And the 2008 Detroit Lions and 1976 Bucs presumably popped some cans of generic beer.

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Teddy Bridgewater, who took over for injured Vikings QB Matt Cassell, left today’s Minnesota win with a sprained ankle. “I’m available, I’m available” said Brett Favre.

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Wonder what the ‪#‎NFL‬ record is for scoring by a team without using the offense? ‪#‎Eagles‬ ‪#‎49ers‬.

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The NFL is trying hard to build their brand in England. And today’s game will help in one way. – even casual British sports fans will know the ‪#‎Raiders‬ s*ck.

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Rory McIlroy led Europe to another Ryder Cup win today. McIlroy is looking unstoppable, as long as he doesn’t cheat on a woman who knows how to handle a golf club.

 

Have to wonder how good the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ could have been had they just pushed the ‪#‎panik‬ button earlier this year.

 

Okay, really, glad she’s okay. But how many people could type “Jennifer Lopez” and “rear-ended” in the same sentence without giggling?

 

Would just one of these Republicans saying that we need “boots on the ground” to fight ISIS volunteer to fill a pair of those boots?

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More stuff you can’t make up. English version: the UK Sunday Mirror reports a leading Conservative minister, Brooks Newark, resigned over having exchanged explicit photos with someone he thought was a “20-something Tory PR woman”, but turned out to be a male reporter. Newark, a married father of five, had been heading up “Women2Win” – the Prime Minister’s drive to get more women in politics….

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Okay, who had the last undefeated teams in the ‪#‎NFL‬ in 2014 being the ‪#‎Cardinals‬ & ‪#‎Bengals‬? Now all you liars lower your hands.

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Worst part of tonight’s ‪#‎NOvsDAL‬ game is ‪#‎JerryJones‬ looking like a genius for firing ‪#‎RobRyan‬

Time passages.

Posted September 27, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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For anyone who has been, or still is, an ugly duckling. I give you this picture from Time Magazine;

george

 

(George Clooney)

 

Apparently Alex Rodriguez is getting in shape and preparing for his return to the Yankees after a year’s suspension. It’s enough to make you long for another Derek Jeter farewell retrospective.

 

Starbucks is apparently trying out a new latte that’s supposed to taste like Guinness. One word. “Why?”

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MLB Executive V.P. Joe Torre changed a hit against  Felix Hernandez last Tuesday to an error, making four runs later in that inning unearned.  And dropping the Seattle ace pitcher’s ERA by .16.  Which gives him a chance ot win the ERA title.

Next up, MLB will try to figure out what they have to change to give the Yankees and Derek Jeter a spot in the playoffs.

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#‎Stanford‬ managed to beat Washington today.  Despite proving again that they may be the best in college football with the ‪#‎redzone‬ “prevent offense.”

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So Eric Bolling’s wife is apparently the reason the FOX News host apologized for his “boobs on the ground” joke about the female fighter pilot: Perhaps a bit of understatement: “I made a joke and when I got home, I got the look, and realized some people didn’t think it was funny at all,’

 

The Milwaukee Brewers are retiring #1 for Bud Selig. And across the rest of baseball, fans are joining in by holding up one finger.

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From Dwight Perry: “Oakland Raiders are in London this weekend to play the Miami Dolphins. Don’t know how the football game will go, but the Black Hole is favored by 2½ over the soccer hooligans.”

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The only good thing about Michigan’s season? Other FBS teams should be lining up to offer the Wolverines million dollar payouts to play them.

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Yet more celebrity nude pictures have been hacked and posted online. Maybe it’s time to buy stock in Polaroid.

 

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Florida State barely escaped with a win over North Carolina State. Maybe all those police interviews are tiring Jameis Winston out.

Milestones.

Posted September 26, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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A lot of women around the world just don’t get the fuss over Derek Jeter’s retirement. Now, George Clooney getting married, that’s traumatic.

 

Chelsea Clinton has a daughter, Charlotte. And Fox News is already preparing a documentary on why the baby is the wrong choice for President in 2064.

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Rand Paul said the U.S.is in a full blown crisis –a spiritual crisis…. I think we must do something our world often tells us not to do: Seek God. He also blasted President Obama as an arrogant “autocrat” who ignores the Constitution. Uh, Article VI of that Constitution – “no religious Test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”

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New Dbacks GM Dave Stewart has fired manager ‪#‎KirkGibson‬. Finally, revenge from that 1988 ‪#‎WorldSeries‬.

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The $228 million Powerball winner in Northern California, Vinh Nguyen, was described as a “nail technician.” At this point the correct phrase should probably be “former nail technician.”

 

Apparently the Redskins were selling “expired” Budweiser beer last night at FedEx field from the 2014 World Cup. Guess Dan Snyder wanted beverages that matched the quality of his team on the field.

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A new Michigan State study found that married couples who met online are three times more likely to divorce than those who met face-to-face. Possibly because many of those couples end up continuing to meet others on line?

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True story from a United Airlines reservation agent dealing with an elite level flyer this morning with a cancelled flight from Chicago-O’Hare. “I’m sorry, but the airport is closed.” “Well then, put me on another airline.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

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Chicago airports reported about 1950 flight cancellations Friday. In other words, it was just like an average winter day for JetBlue.

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As all these pennant races come down to the wire, it must have been tough for MLB to pick headlines, after of course, Derek Jeter’s walk-off hit last night. And #2 was about Phil Hughes missing a $500,000 contract incentive by 1/3 of an inning. #3? “HOF thinks ahead for Jeter induction.” No joke.

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The NFL said today it found no evidence that a video of Ray Rice punching his fiancée was delivered to its headquarters. Presumably on the alleged date, all the league executives were busy anyway, looking for O.J’s “real killer.”

 

So Hunter Pence drops a few, okay, several, F-Bombs, during his clubhouse speech last night. Derek Jeter sits tonight at Fenway and gives Red Sox fans the finger.

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The AP is reporting that in April, a law enforcement official says he mailed the inside-elevator Ray Rice video to the NFL’s security chief, Jeffrey Miller… Next up for Goodell, attacking the credibility of the Post Office.

 

At the Value Voters Summit today, Sarah Palin ranted “Don’t retreat. You reload with truth, which I know is an endangered species at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue.” Yeah, numbers, another construct of the liberal “lame-stream” media…..

We’re number 5, or 4? Or whatever.

Posted September 26, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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The SF Giants clinched a playoff spot due to another Brewers meltdown.  So did they have Champagne mixed with Gatorade in tonight’s game cooler?

(Sure looked like it when the bullpen imploded in the 6th and 7th)

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Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Tim ‪#‎Lincecum‬ against the Padres. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

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Anyone easily offended, skip to the next item.  Anyone tired of vanilla clubhouse speeches, cover your children’s ears and listen to the Reverend Hunter Pence.  http://deadspin.com/we-now-go-live-to-hunter-pences-dirty-dirty-mouth-1639410347?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitter&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

 

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Stay classy. Fox News’s panelist Eric Bolling asked yesterday if a female fighter pilot may be called ‘boobs on the ground. Well, a Fox News panel can certainly be called “boobs on the air.”

 

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Anyone who has the attitude that Washington, D.C. is good for nothing, clearly isn’t a fan of an NFL team needing to get healthy.

 

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Have to wonder with all this controversy over the Redskins name, would it be any different if Dan Snyder were less of an a**hole and the team were less of a train wreck?

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Washington looked so overpowered tonight that out of habit House Republicans called for a Congessional Investigation against Obama. ‪#‎Redskins‬ ‪#‎Giants‬

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So much for that ‘special relationship” between the U.S. and England. The Dolphins and Raiders are playing in London this Sunday. We couldn’t have sent over better teams, like say, Oregon and Florida State?

(My friend Jeff K. says  ” It’s a showcase game. Trying to see if England can take one of those teams off our hands and send them down to some international league.“)

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A 6.2 earthquake hit near Anchorage, Alaska this morning. So will Sarah Palin blame this on the “lame-stream” media or Obama?

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Alex Kaseberg says the earthquake was so strong it shook Sarah into a bookstore.

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Mitt and Ann Romney are dropping hints that Mitt might run again in 2016. Perfect. Because Romney is like that ex who looks good from a nostalgic distance, until you start spending time with him/her again and get reminded why you dropped them.

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Attorney General Eric Holder has resigned and says he will step down as soon as a successor can be confirmed by the Senate. This Senate?! Means Holder will probably be around through the end of President Obama’s term.

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-The Orioles had clinched. So did Evan Meek groove a pitch to ‪#‎DerekJeter‬ ? ‪#‎Yankees‬

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#‎ESPN‬ & ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ seem hell bent on making Congress look credible by comparison.

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At the University of Texas, new coach Charlie Strong has drug testing of football players on pace to double. This was reported by the Austin American-Statesman and presumably every SEC football recruiter.

 

Falling Apples.

Posted September 24, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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Apple released and pulled iOS 8.0.1 Wednesday. Apparently because the update caused dropped calls and disabled some new iPhone 6’s. The early bird may not get the worm. But they are more likely to get the bugs.

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Apparently some of the new iPhones warp. Of course, what’s really warped might be waiting hours and hours in line for a phone that will be easily available in a few months and obsolete by next year.

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When deputies pulled over a woman for driving with only one headlight late Monday night they heard crying from the trunk. Turns out she had put her 5-month-old baby into the car trunk, to avoid getting a ticket for not driving with a car seat. You guessed, it – Florida.

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A grand jury decided not to file criminal charges against Tony Stewart for hitting and killing Kevin Ward Jr.. The D.A. also said that tests revealed that Ward was under the influence of marijuana “at a high enough level to impair judgment.” Of course the drug that really impairs NASCAR drivers’ judgment is testosterone.

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#‎Yankees‬ are selling ‪#‎DerekJeter‬ game-used socks for $400. Shudder to think what they are asking for his jockstraps.

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Spirit Airlines has announced “to make sure we have room for everyone’s bags” they are going to charge $2 more for checked bags for all flights between flights between Dec 18 and Jan 5. The probable reaction from other airlines? “Shocking. We should charge at least $10 more.

 

Bill Simmons was suspended 3 weeks for his profane rant about Roger Goodell where he called the commissioner a liar. 3 weeks. Guess he should have just taken a swing at Goodell in an elevator.

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The University of Michigan had planned to have the game ball delivered by drone last Saturday in Ann Arbor before the Wolverines’ game with Utah.. The school said they dropped the plan after consulting with the FAA, but rumor has it they didn’t want the drone to have a better completion rate than their QBs.

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The New York Yankees have been officially eliminated from the 2014 playoffs. So tonight we can expect an ESPN special on how Derek Jeter is dealing with this tragic event?

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So will ‪#‎Yankees‬, out of the playoffs, take some comfort in ‪#‎Dodgers‬, with the new highest MLB payroll, taking their place in postseason?

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Some rumors that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are boycotting a beat reporter for writing that two teammates had a “heated” argument in the clubhouse. Really? It’s not as if he wrote they had an actual physical fight. Besides, with the Giants this week no one would believe they could hit anything.

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Rep. Vance McAllister, the congressman who was caught on tape making out with a staffer, has his wife featured in his latest commercial, In the ad, Kelly McAllister says “A man’s character is based on how many times he gets up and stands again.” Considering the kissing tape, is “gets up”” the right phrase?

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A Virgin America flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Nebraska because, as the police report says, a man was “masturbating in flight and later tried to open an exit door.” This would never happen on United. The seats are too close together for anyone to masturbate.

Tragic number 1? Or 5?

Posted September 23, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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The Yankees’ “tragic number” to be eliminated from the playoffs is 1.  Although the “tragic number” for watching Jeter in uniform is 5.

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At least looks like the ship is going down with the Captain.

 

On Keith Olbermann’s show tonight, he rained on the farewell parade big time: “Derek Jeter is not the greatest person in human history. He did not invent baseball, he did not discover electricity, he is not the greatest shortstop who ever lived.” Wonder how long it will take the Yankees to demand ESPN fire Olbermann for heresy?

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For Derek Jeter’s final AB, the Yankees will use a recorded introduction one more time from former ballpark announcer Bob Sheppard, who passed away in 2010. Well, this ought to be good for another ESPN 1 hour special.

 

 

If Yasiel Puig played against ‪#‎BobGibson‬, ‪#‎Puig‬ might be dead by now.

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Nebraska RB Ameer Abdullah, 21, a friend of Jameis Winston’s from Birmingham, “It’s kind of hard for me to understand what’s going on with him right now, but from a general standpoint it’s the maturity level. Think before you act. Understand the bigger picture. Everything that you do, say or how you present yourself can have dire consequences.” Hope this doesn’t convince scouts Abdullah is too intelligent to play NFL football.

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A friend forwarded a tweet reporting how FSU coach Jimbo Fisher explained why Jameis Winst0n wouldn’t be doing weekly press conferences any more… “to give him m0re time for academics.”   And wow, Fisher said it with a straight face.

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Those strikes against ISIS must have gone better than expected. Because some conservative websites are in an uproar over President Obama exiting his helicopter today on his way to a speech and saluting Marines with a cup of tea in his hand. ‪#‎allhateallthetime‬

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The Steelers have re-signed LB James Harrison, and indicated his 2008 domestic violence arrest was not an issue. Well, I suppose when you can play well behind a rapist..

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University of Texas football coach has kicked nine players of the team this year due to academic and rules violations. At this point the SEC reps will be lying in wait outside the Longhorns’ locker room with transfer papers.

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Bus to hell time: Three people are dead, including the gunman, after a former UPS employee in uniform opened fire at a warehouse in Alabama. So UPS is not only taking business from the USPS, they’re also starting to go postal.

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A drunk man jumped into the White Tiger enclosure at the Delhi zoo yesterday with predictable results. Suppose reducing the zoo’s food bill for the week at least made it a productive Darwin award.

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Former HP CEO and California gubernatorial candidate Carly Fiorina said she wouldn’t rule out a run for the White House in 2016. Who says Democrats haven’t had any good news lately?

 

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For a real insult to Native Americans, how about the Atlanta Braves? 1-9 in their last 10 and on a  late season push to catch  the Marlins for 4th place.

 

 

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#‎AngelPagan‬ will undergo season ending back surgery. But ‪#‎SFGiants‬ hope he will be back & ready to be injured again in spring training.


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