Just getting started?

Posted April 18, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

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Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

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An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

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NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

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An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

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In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

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The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

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In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

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Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

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If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Maybe baby.

Posted April 17, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. And presumably that baby, boy or girl,  will be running for President in 2064.

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Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy is a big deal in the U.S. Of course, it’s not like in Britain with Prince George, where a child can grow up to rule simply by virtue of his/her birth….Oops, never mind.

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The arts and crafts chain Michaels is the latest to be hit by a security breach. The company said that about 2.6 million customer credit and debit cards used at its stores may have been affected. Worrisome news for a lot of women and almost a dozen men.

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Uber is adding a $1 flat “Safe Rides” Fee onto all fares. Their first mandatory surcharge.  They must have hired an executive from the airlines.

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Chad Johnson is heading to the CFL’s Montreal Alouettes.. Is this some small payback to Canada for Justin Bieber?

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With Tiger and Phil out for the weekend, the Masters had its lowest ratings in over 20 years. Hearing this most Americans asked “Oh, was there a golf tournament on?”

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Oscar Pistorius’s own defense forensics expert witness today contradicted the athlete’s earlier testimony on the stand. Even the O.J. jurors are beginning to think this guy is guilty.

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A new app will allow users,for a monthly fee, to have unlimited coffee at a number of independent. The app, called CUPS, is $45 for regular coffee or tea, $85 for espressos. But, hey, for that price you could get a half dozen drinks at Starbucks.

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Apparently Donovan McNabb was arrested Jan 6 for DUI, and has already served a one-day sentence after pleading guilty. Wonder why the story’s just coming out now. Maybe McNabb is just trying to show he still belongs in the NFL?

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Apparently the Captain of that ill-fated South Korean ferry was not only not at the helm when it began listing, but he also was one of the first people rescued. Maybe it’s time to send the guy on a fact-finding mission, back to the ferry’s bridge wearing only a snorkel and flippers.

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Edward Snowden made a “surprise” appearance on Putin’s annual question-and- answer TV show to ask “Does Russia intercept, store or analyze in any way the communications of millions of individuals?” Putin responded that Russia has a special service that bugs telephone and Internet to fight crimes, including terrorism, only with court permission and only “for specific citizens.” But “on a massive scale, on an uncontrolled scale we certainly do not allow this and I hope we will never allow it.”

And they both performed this with a straight face!

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So FB is going to introduce a new feature called “Nearby Friends,” which they say is optional. The idea is to tell you if any of your friends are in the area. And how many millions of teenagers with parents on FB just started looking for a new social media site?

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Chipotle announced their profit increased 8.5% last quarter. So you know what that means… Yep, their prices are going up

Counting down.

Posted April 17, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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Anyone who says April baseball is boring isn’t paying attention. #Giants #Dodgers

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Four and a half minutes for instant replay to decide a call stands in tonight’s Giants Dodgers game? How long until the instant replay breaks are “brought to you by….”?

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Josh Hamilton and Mike Napoli both have injured themselves on head-first slides, and Gregor Blanco got away with one Tuesday night in SF. Have any of them noticed that NO ONE at the NFL combine finishes the 40 yard dash with a dive?

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The NBA Bucks have been sold, to new owners who say they will keep the team in Milwaukee. Of course this could partly be because no one else wants them.

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Bud Selig called MLB’s instant replay rollout “remarkable” and said “we’ve had really very little controversy overall.” Presume the commissioner reiterated that the steroid era is over.

(from my friend Lindol, “I’ll have what he’s having.”)

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In the #Marlins rotation, Slowey will replace Hand. Does this even need a punchline?

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British PM David Cameron has been photographed enjoying himself on vacation in the Canary Islands at a topless beach. And President Obama no doubt got a call offering to assist with U.S. – England relations from Bill Clinton.

 

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A missing Nebraska toddler was found safe and sound INSIDE a toy claw game machine. Apparently he wanted the stuffed toys inside and managed to squeeze his way through the prize slot. Good thing the slot is small or this story might have given a number of frat boys ideas.

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At online betting site, Bovada, Tiger Woods, at 10-1, is a co-favorite with Rory McIlroy to win the U.S. Open in June. Even though Woods probably won’t play in the U.S. Open. Guess he’s the only name a lot of bettors know?

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As the NBA season ends, remember “2014″ as the answer to win a future bar bet.  As in the 1st year ever the Lakers, Knicks and Celtics will all miss the playoffs.

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A United flight from JFK to Dulles was evacuated today after a Twitter post said there was a bomb on board. Silly. For that short a flight there wasn’t even time fpr a GOOD inflight movie.

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The story out of South Korea with that ferry gets worse and worse. Who have ever thought the Costa Concordia would look like a model evacuation by comparison?

Arrested development.

Posted April 15, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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There have been 17 NFL arrests so far in 2014, including one owner. Right now the 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens are tied with most, with three each. But don’t rule out the perennial contenders like the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals.

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So if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow in the snow on Sunday, how many more weeks does the Midwest have of winter?

 

Another Macy’s “One Day Sale” that goes Tuesday and Wednesday. Because “It’s a sale too big to fit in a day.”. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call it a “Two Day Sale?”

 

 

Safeway is advertising “semi-boneless” leg of lamb. “Semi-boneless?” Isn’t that like “semi-pregnant?”

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Jordan Spieth, 20, talking about Sunday at the Masters. “I’m definitely still stinging, there’s no doubt about it, to work your whole life to be in position to win a golf tournament you’ve always dreamed of” and then fall short. And hundreds of other professional golfers just wept.

(As my friend Julia Park Tracey says “I have socks older than he is.”)

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Tennessee men’s basketball coach Cuonzo Martin is leaving for Cal. His successor will be the team’s third coach since 2011. So these days for the Volunteers, “one-and-done” actually refers to coaches.

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Congrats to the Memphis Grizzlies, who tonight earned the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The NBA’s version of “one and done.”

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In the NBA, the 37-44 Hawks have clinched a playoff berth. Although it’s an 8 seed. Had they only been in the NCAA, Atlanta might have rated at least a 4 seed.

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A new Field poll says that 79% of Californians disapprove of Congress. But only 33% disapprove of their own representative. #itsnotmineitsyours

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Bill O’Reilly says that conservatives won’t watch #StephenColbert on the #LateShow. As if they are watching #Letterman now….

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Another thought about that US Airways customer service tweet. Actually, wasn’t the woman just using the plane to do to herself what most airlines when we complain tell us to do to ourselves?

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The Congressional Budget Office says Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than expected over the next ten years. Time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

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A CNN investigation of the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes U.S. tax laws, found that at least 8 members have had issues with their own taxes, from being late to failure to pay certain taxes at all. Politicians don’t always follow the laws they make? I’m shocked, shocked…. 

 

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For all the complaints about #MLB instant replay, it doesn’t slow down the game 1/2 as much as #JoshBeckett. #SFGiants

(point of illustration, Beckett started Tuesday night’s game, which started at 715p, finished the bottom of the 9th, at 1055p)

 

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Nothing lasts forever

Posted April 14, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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But some things come close.

 

It’s only five days until Easter. Time to start trying to remember where you put the Marshmallow Peeps in storage?

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I don’t watch “Game of Thrones.” But it appears to be a show where you might want to turn down wedding invitations.

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After winning the Masters Bubba Watson headed to Waffle House. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Watson actually went for the food.

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It was an exciting Masters golf tournament this year, except that neither Tiger nor Phil were there on the weekend. And ESPN executives said to their pals at CBS – “Now you know how we feel when the game of the week isn’t between the Red Sox and Yankees!”

 

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In Louisiana, Gov. Bobby Jindal has joined the state GOP chair in calling on Vance McAllister, who was seen on video kissing his staffer, to resign from Congress. Guessing we’re going to wait a long time for a statement on the subject from Senator David Vitter.

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Michael Phelps announced he is coming out of retirement, which means he could swim at the 2016 Rio Olympics. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

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If #MH370 wasn’t still missing wonder how many days CNN would devote to the #USAirways twitter fiasco?

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Someone in US Airways’ social media customer service department accidentally tweeted out a lewd picture in response to a customer comment.  Well, it will make for an interesting story when he or she gets asked “So why did you leave your last profession?”

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Delta refers to their extra legroom seats as “Economy comfort.” Fair enough. But they should call the rest of the plane by its true name – “Economy discomfort.”

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Newt Gingrich says Kathleen Sibelius was “right to resign” over the Obamacare website “disgrace.” Well, if anyone knows about resigning in disgrace….

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The Wisconsin GOP’s Resolutions Committee just affirmed the party’s support for “legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” Well, if the state can make this happen, can they take Arizona, Florida and Texas with them?

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Tony La Russa says he is surprised there haven’t been more “hiccups” with the new MLB instant replay. So how many blown calls did he expect in the first two weeks?

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Investigators hired by Chris Christie reported the N.J. Governor had tears in his eyes during a meeting after he first learned of the news report linking his aides to the the George Washington Bridge closure. Crying over their involvement, or crying over getting caught?

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A 14-year-old Dutch girl was arrested after sending American Airlines a tweet saying “hello my name’s Ibrahim and I’m from Afghanistan. I’m part of Al Qaida and on June 1st I’m gonna do something really big bye.” What was she thinking? Gal is WAY too young to be dating Aldon Smith.

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Really? John Calipari now says he would coach at Kentucky longer if the “one-and-done” rule was altered to keep kids in school at least two years. Maybe he thinks if players stay twice as long he’d have half the chance of getting caught for recruiting violations?

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Gary M on the woman who was dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food.

“If only she’d been wearing her heels…”

Be careful what you wish for?

Posted April 13, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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Got to figure someone in the SF 49ers’ organization wished yesterday for some news to take the focus off of QB Colin Kaepernick’s involvement in a police investigation in Miami.

 

SF 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX today, apparently because he got angry with a TSA agent and indicated he was in possession of a bomb. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “You just can’t put a positive spin on stupid.”

 

Local television status on the 49ers’ Aldon Smith’s latest arrest “a troubling pattern of behavior.” Uh, I think Smith passed “troubling pattern” at least an arrest ago.

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Well, Boston manager John Farrell has become the answer to a future trivia question – the first MLB ejection that resulted from arguing about a replay ruling. Are we shocked that it was about a call that went in favor of the Yankees?

 

OSU’s quarterback Braxton Miller insulted Michigan’s SPRING GAME attendance on Twitter. This after the Buckeyes’ attendance was 61,000 compared to the Wolverines’ 15,000 for essentially an intrasquad scrimmage. Penn State, meanwhile drew 72,000. Proving mostly perhaps not only is there less to do on the weekend in Columbus than Ann Arbor, there is really nothing going on in Happy Valley, PA.

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Heisman winner Jameis Winston is playing baseball at FSU, serves as the team’s closer, and has a 1.76 ERA. And across the ACC and SEC, other football teams are thinking “Hey, you could have a great career in MLB, why risk it on the gridiron?”

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Bad news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Good news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. 

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A judge has ruled Chris Christie and other defendants will get more time to file their responses to two lawsuits related to the September lane closures at the George Washington Bridge. The NY Governor is hoping that extension lasts until December 2016.

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Donald Trump said in a speech to a Conservative group that politicians are “all bullsh*t, all talk.” Was the Donald trying to convince them that he’s a real politician?

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Florida’s Miami-Dade County has a new policy to close ALL restrooms at polling places on election day. Supposedly “in order to ensure that individuals with disabilities are not treated unfairly and “to avoid situations where accessible restrooms would be available to some, but not all voters.” Maybe it’s time for the Democrats to show up with Porta-Potties with Governor Rick Scott’s picture on them.

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Today’s CNN breaking news report is that the MH370 pingers, thought to be dying, are “Most Likely Dead.” Stand by for a Generalissimo Francisco Franco reference on next week’s SNL.

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Mike Huckabee, complaining about TSA. “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get into the surrender position, people put hands all over me, and I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms to prove that I’m not going to terrorize the airplane.” Even Dennis Rodman is thinking “Dude is crazy.”

(and as Jim Barach adds.  Yeah, Huckabee thinks you should only be treated that way when you go to vote.)

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A Florida woman is recovering after she was reportedly dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food. Insert “armed bears” and “standing her ground” jokes here:

If the shoe hits?

Posted April 12, 2014 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

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The woman who killed her boyfriend with a stiletto heel has been sentenced to life in prison. Any possibility of parole will no doubt contain the condition of wearing flats.

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Notre Dame has finally decided to install artificial Fieldturf in their football stadium for the upcoming season.. Standby for alums writing op-eds about how the Fighting Irish now have the best artificial turf ever.

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The Tampa Bay Lightning’s Ryan Malone was arrested early Saturday morning on charges of DUI and possession of cocaine. Who says hockey players aren’t big time pro athletes?

 

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The Texas judge who decided to put the “affluenza” teen in rehab instead of jail, decided his parents should pay $1170 a month for his treatment at a state hospital, using the hospital’s sliding scale. The actual cost, $715 a day. The state will pay the rest. Where’s Ted Cruz screaming about healthcare costs to taxpayers on this one?

 

Chad Johnson is working out for the CFL Montreal Alouettes. Will he change his name to “Quatre-vingt cinq?”

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Although the Boston Red Sox challenged a call Saturday, and multiple replays showed the NY runner had taken his foot off second base and should have been out, the umps did not overturn it. MLB’s response “The conclusive angle was not immediately available.” Uh, two thoughts. 1. What’s the point if you DON’T have the “conclusive angle available.” 2. Suppose it’s better than saying. “You REALLY expect us to overturn a call against the Yankees?”

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Sylvia Mathews Burwell was approved by a 96-0 vote in the Senate last year as the Office of Management and Budget director. But now many in the GOP are talking about a contentious confirmation process for her as HHS Secretary. Why? Because Obama chose her, of course. Isn’t that reason enough?

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Ted Cruz said Sylvia Mathews Burwell’s confirmation hearing “presents an ideal opportunity to examine the failures that are Obamacare.” With all due respect, Senator Cruz thinks getting up in the morning presents an ideal opportunity to example the “failures” that are Obamacare.

 

 

The search goes on, but the pings have apparently faded in the Indian Ocean as the search for MH 370. Which is probably why amongst the CNN headlines today was “Hundreds sickened on cruise ships .”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “One man at the Masters saw Rory McIlroy’s face  in a pastry and bet $1,600 on the golfer.   It’s also one of the few times John Daly’s face wasn’t seen in a pastry”

 


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